Having a bad, bad day

[Lizarina]

Hey MMH! I feel the same - I'm sorry you're still here, but it's nice to see a familiar face. I've gotten back up off the ground after my bad day. Those days are fewer and farther between, but still there. Ugh. I wonder if they'll ever completely go away. Anyway...

You and I both live in Southern California, and you know as well as I do how easy it is to fianlize a divorce here.

No joke - if he would have followed through, it would have been done and over with by now.

What does he mean by "take care of himself"? Is he in some sort of treatment for depression? Did he see communication with you as not good for him? This seems strange.

I think he's done just enough self-help reading to be a detriment to himself. I started writing him an e-mail (which I never sent) telling him that he needs to look up the phrase "taking care of yourself" because it doesn't mean what he thinks it means. If he had an overwhelming need to jump off the Empire State Building, taking care of himself would not include taking an elevator ride to the top. But I think that he feels guilty seeing/talking to me. I'm ALWAYS upbeat with him - never yelling, screaming or crying. I've lost 60 lbs since he left and am a flippin' fox now (IMHO).

As far as I know (and in all honesty I could fit what I now know about him in a thimble), he's not in any more therapy. He stopped a year ago because he said talking about his childhood was making him more depressed. Since then, his therapy has included doing whatever he felt necessary to get a clean slate. That's why he moved away. I even found out that he quit his job. I didn't ask what he's doing for work now. I don't want to know. Finding that kind of stuff out is more painful sometimes and ignorance is sometimes bliss to me. Hell, is knowing going to change the sitch? Nope.

And strange...GUUUURL - I think he should change his name to I. M. Strange because that's who he is now.

I also have this small voice in my head that says he will come to his senses someday. I just don't know when that someday will be.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I feel like I never want to get back together - I'm too good for him, blah, blah, blah. But I know (and I've told him before) that going through all this crap just makes me realize one very important thing - I love him. And truly love him. I made a vow before God and that is very important to me, but this isn't really about that. I love him and care about his well-being. I want to be there for him. And I know I always will be. He told me that I am now "scripturally free" (we believe adultery is the only way a marriage vow can be broken in God's eyes), but it doesn't matter that much to me. I mean, it makes me sick to think of him doing anything with anyone else, but he can do that all the live-long day and I still love him. Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Am I just a good person or someone afraid to let go and realize they're being crapped on? I'll choose the former.

How's your support system? What can you do to make yourself feel better?

I have a few GREAT friends. Another great thing about going through sitches like this - the cream rises to the top. But sometimes you need to talk to people who really "get" it. Like you all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but I'm strangely thankful that other people are here with me.