Having a bad, bad day

[Lizarina]

It's been a year and a half now since he left. I've done some major 180's, but nothing has seemed to make a difference with my H. The only thing that slightly keeps me hanging on is this - he filed for divorce a year ago, but has done NOTHING since then. He says he wants a divorce, but I just feel like if he really did, it would be done and over by now. Am I just deluding myself? Is it over, but he's too lost in his MLC to care either way now? And by way of background, he left after his brother was diagnosed with cancer. He cut off (and continues to cut off) all communication with his family and friends, including his sick brother. His brother then died and he never was able to speak with him beforehand. After he came back from the funeral, he begged me to go to counseling. Unfortunately, it took 6 months to get him there at which point he said he was only going because he thought he owed it to me. He never went again and filed for divorce two months later. He said all the classics - ILYBNILWY, we got married too young, etc. Now he's moved an hour away and e-mailed me a couple of months ago saying that he's decided to have no more communication with me because he needs to "take care of himself." So, that's it in a nutshell.

I hate days like today - days of crying and crying. I feel like the pain is just never going to end. And I worry that if I ever do find anyone else, I'm just going to compare them to my H - the true love of my life. I just feel like I got such a raw deal. I feel worse today than I have in a long, long time. There is nothing I want more than to be with him again some day, but I don't want to put all my faith in the chance that it will work out. I'm lonely and I don't want to feel like this forever. But every time I tell myself to move on, I just get this niggling feeling that it's not over. If he truly wants it to be over, then why can't he just finish the job and end it??? GAH! This truly blows. No one deserves this sh*t.