Just getting started peicing it back together 2

[grasshopper]

I think it would be ok to have expectations if we could controll our expectations, if they don't turn out the way we want.

No, it would not be ok to have expectations about what someone else will do, or how they'll behave.

The important word here is WANT. You said at the end of that "..if they don't turn out the way we WANT."

If all you are doing is WANTING, without the extra baggage of EXPECTING that what you want is going to happen, then fine. The problem is that most of the time we allow simple desire to turn into something much more insideous.

For example (from my personal expereience)...

The day begins and I get it into my mind that I want to ML with my W. Already, my mind starts working out how that might happen. As the day wears on, nothing detracts me from that thinking. Soon, my desire starts to turn into this intricate idea of how this WILL happen, thus expectation.

Dinner time comes and goes. The kids go to bed. We watch some TV, etc, all the while, my mind is set on what WILL happen next.

This does two things to me. First, it sets me up for a HUGE fall if what I KNOW will happen does not, and more importantly (at least in terms of the demise of my marriage) since I already KNOW we will ML, I do virtually NOTHING to help it happen.

You get the picture.

If I mearly WANT to ML, without letting that want turn to need or expectation, then I am good because I can then just express my desire without the implied pressure of her living up to some grand plan I have.

Hope this helps.

GH

[jersting]

My W seems to be wanting to push things faster along in our sitch. She wants me to stay with her every night. I would like to stay every night except my lawyer has not called me and told me the d is off. I will not move my stuff back until I hear that it is at least on hold. It is quite a hastle to pack close every day so I can stay at our home. I told her that I was not staying tonight or friday night because we are going on a date saturday and I think that it would make date a little more exciting for both of us. I would like to move back home, but I am affraid that would be pushing things too fast. About a month ago she was acting like she wanted me back and the next thing I knew she was pushing me away again. She has come and gone a few times but this time does seem different. She is wearing her wedding ring and she seems to be more on level ground for a longer period than the times before. She told me she has tried to get ahold of her lawyer. Before when I pushed her to stop the D she backed way off from me. Now I just listen to her tell me she is trying to get ahold of her lawyer and I don't coment on it. I have detached. I love her and I want to stay married to her, but she is going to have to stop the D on her own if she wants to be married to me.
On another note, my kids are showing me alot of love now that this R is moving in the right direction. I have shown my w that I can take care of the kids without her and I believe this was an important step in the process of getting her to fall in love with me again. I think somewhere deep down in my wife she wondered what would happen to her children if something happend to her. I believe this was part of what lead her to her EA with the other guy. He was D and taking care of 2 daughters every other weekend. She met him at her sisters on one of the weekends that he had his daughters and I beleave she was attracted to a guy that took on a parenting role which is something I was not able to show her because we were together with our kids and I let her do the care giving to them because I thought she wanted that. I have always been the father who would step in when she asked me to. I would keep my mouth shut until she would ask me to help because she would put me on the back burner when they were with us.

[Phoenix_spark]

Just let things develop as both of you are comfortable. Any rushed move will be doubted at a later day. Make sure, but be honest and up front. Make it an even give and take.

The notice of cancelled D would be a huge step, hopefully you'll see it soon.

[cliffy]

Sounds like you have a handle on things, as best you can in the sitch. I hope you get notice of cancelled d. Take care of yourself.

[OldFool]

Amazing progress!! You've got to be feeling on cloud nine! This is all good, but you are right to be wary. If you've got DR, re-read the section that talks about the approach-avoidance cycle. You may be in it right now (and for a bit longer). As a result, you need to take it slow. Remember, if your W is really interested in reconciling, she'll be willing to let things progress in their own time.

My best wishes to you for continued success. Just think of all the times you felt there was no reason to go on! Your sitch is a ray of hope for many of us here.

[jersting]

Had a couple ups and downs over the last few days. Nothing major, it is just tough for w and I both to understand everything that is happening and why it just won't go away and everything be like it should. I think we are both working through this process together.
On another note, I talked to W today and she said she wanted to go to some consouling. I asked if she ment for the both of us for MC. She said no, she said she felt depressed and wanted to talk to someone on the outside to figure out what was going on. She asked if I supported that decision and I said yes I think if that is something you would like to do you should do it. I asked if it was me making her feel this way and she said no it was her and I was doing ok with the way I was handeling everything. I told her that I would be here for her to lean on me if she needed to and she thanked me for that but said this is something that she has to do on her own and there was nothing I could do to help her in this. I feel helpless and I wish there was something I could do but I think she wants to do this on her own and I am just going to sit back and see what happens.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi jersting.

Long time no see, but I have noticed, appreciated, but have not replied to your posts
on my thread.

Quoting you in bold:

Nothing major, it is just tough for w and I both to understand everything that is happening and why it just won't go away and everything be like it should.

Took time to get where you are, and it will take time to get where you want to be.
I'd stress patience to you (and her?) that it will be a long but worthwhile journey.

I talked to W today and she said she wanted to go to some consouling. I asked if she ment for the both of us for MC. She said no, she said she felt depressed and wanted to talk to someone on the outside to figure out what was going on.

This is mostly good as it shows that she's willing to put effort into working on your M.
I wouldn't worry that she doesn't want to do it with you; if she has her own issues to sort
out, it may be better for her to do that without you, at least for a while.

She asked if I supported that decision and I said yes I think if that is something you would like to do you should do it.

Like they used to say on Family Feud:

Good answer, good answer.

Now, what I'd do next is say something (or at least think about it) like this:

"I respect that there may be things you discuss w/ your IC that are private
and for only the two of you. What I will say is that I won't ask about your
sessions, not because I don't care about you, but out of respect for your privacy.

If, however, you'd like to discuss anything from your sessions with me, I'd be more
than happy to listen."

Something like that. You said something like this later:

I told her that I would be here for her to lean on me if she needed to

she thanked me for that but said this is something that she has to do on her own and there was nothing I could do to help her in this.

This is very true, and that's why I'd recommend saying something along the lines of what
I wrote above.

I feel helpless and I wish there was something I could do

But if this is really her working on her issues, she has to do it and it will happen according to her timetable. I know, believe me.

she wants to do this on her own

She may very well have to.

I am just going to sit back and see what happens.

And that's all you can do. But I'd actively be as supportive as you can without being
prying/intrusive.

She may be in for a long, hard, painful ride depending on what she's working on...

Take care, you're doing fine.

[OldFool]

More good news. She needs to work through her issues and IC is the best way to do that. Her going may mean she is beginning to recognize she (and her issues) had a role to play in the failure of your M.

She needs to do this on her own. In fact, there may be no other way to do it that would be successful in the long run. Let her...and don't feel bad about it. This is the beginning of a growth process for her just as the past few months have been for you.

I'm praying your sitch continues to improve.

[Phoenix_spark]

That would be my take too. At least she's taking the option and putting in the work.

[sofaraway]

Hey Jersting, looks to me like ups here buddy. Her recognizing her own issues and knowing that SHE needs to work through them on her own is pretty big my friend. The bottom line is that she saw issues within herself and is not blaming them on you. She is willing to take the neccesary steps to get help for them in order to feel better so she can keep working on you guys is great. I don't see a downside on this one pal.

Ian