Quote: I just don't get it sometimes. My W comes in every day to pick up the kids from my work after she gets off work. When she comes in she is real nice to me and the last few days she has been given me open mouth kisses and she is the one that initiates it. I don't resist, but it drives me crazy that she can do this and then walk out and not know if we will talk again until the next day or two.
Ah, now YOU grasshoppa my friend. THIS is your chance to just live the moments and stop trying to over-think everything.
Do you like the kisses? Do you want them to continue? Can you just appreciate them for what they are, not for what you want them to lead to?
I ask all this because I would KILL, even today, as good as my sitch is, for my W to initiate a kiss like that. I KNOW I could appreciate it for what it is and not need more. Please, see if you can do that too.
You are still trying to figure her out all the time. You are still trying to attach meaning to everything while I bet she's just trying to figure out how to live life, with or without you. She's obviously just doing what she feels at the moment, for whatever reason and if she's like many women, my W especially, she wants to be able to do that without trying to figure it all out. Let her.
Quote: She has been calling every night and we talk about anything but us.
THIS IS GREAT. Again, like the kisses, why can't this be enough for right now? She's talking to you. She's reaching out. Again, I can't judge her true motivations for this but neither can you so just accept what is happening and move on.
Look, I know how your mind is working. In your head it should go; Hug, kiss, ML, full reconciliation...or long conversation, renewed connection, ML the next time you see each other, full reconciliation.
You get my point. You can't understand how she can do A & B and not have it lead to C, D and eventually, of course, F.
Resist these thoughts. Learn to live the moments as they come without worrying so much about what will come next. There's something to be said for that old cliche "Stop to smell the roses."
Quote: I wish I could understand what she is going through a little better than I do.
Another opportunity for me to say, again, stop trying to figure her out right now. SHE doesn't even know the answers to the questions you want to ask so why should you?
Quote: She knows I would be willing to start putting things together so I could get back into the house and yet it is like she don't want me to come home.
As strange as it sounds, she's probably afraid to trust you. She's DEFINATLY afraid to trust herself and thinks by getting back into the marriage she's condemning herself to more suffering, suffering that she thought she'd rid herself of not too long ago. She may feel like she finally, for once, managed to figure out what SHE wanted and now all these mixed feelings, not to mention your overt or subtle pressure, are causing her to doubt herself and that doubt feels terrible. She thought she was 100% sure she'd never want to be with you again and now she's not that sure any more. That sucks for her. (Realize that I know NONE of this but a lot of it is pretty textbook in these kinds of sitches).
For you, any thought of a renewed relationship with her is all roses and sunshine, the culmination of all your hard work, the manifestation of your love, etc, etc, etc. For her, it's very likely similar to contemplating a return to one of the outer rings of hell. Sure, maybe they've build new condos there and maybe added a theme park or two, but at some point, the devil is going to make a return engagement and, well, all hell is going to break loose.
You have to understand that your perspectives are WAY different on these things and as such, probably can not be fully understood by either of you right now.
That's why I think you'd be best served to just learn to live without expectation. Experience without attaching meaning and love without condition.
OK GH, I think I understand what you are saying and I am sure that I can take what I get without too much expectation. The only thing that does scare me a little bit is that... I am to a point with my emotions that I have controll over them and if I continue to take these kisses and good times without a bit of questioning I will loose controll of my emotions and start expecting more and more each time I see her.
On another note, last night she brought the kids over and I had dinner ready when they got there. She stayed and ate with us and when she was leaving she gave me one of those big kisses and I told her that I kinda like her. She replied with "I like you too!" She then called me last night when she went to bed and we had some conversation about her day she was expecting today. I told her that I thought about buying some bunk beds for the kids and she said I should hold off on that. She asked what we were going to do with all that stuff if I decided to come back home. I said we would figure out something and what if she decides she doesn't want me to come back home. after that we got off the subject and chatted a little more before we hung up. Things are looking positive for us today. We will see what happens over the next few days. thanks for the input GH.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
FWIW, I think GH is dead on here, and I'd even suggest that your W's behavior may be a good thing that you should appreciate for another reason: whatever she does with you, she wants to be able to put her entire heart into it and not go through the motions. It takes them a while, I think, to get comfortable with all that again.
Sort of like getting in the ocean when it's not quite warm and a little choppy...get in for a sec, then get out and stay out a while, then get in for a little longer, etc.
I think the important thing is to do what GH said...appreciate it, and don't rush it. You can't speed things up, not in your power, but you CAN slow things down if you frustrate her.
All in all, it sounds great at this point. Try to enjoy it and let it happen. It may feel like you will always be at the mercy of her "momentary feelings", but it won't be like that forever, I don't think.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Here's the problem; EXPECTATIONS DO NOT HAVE A PLACE IN YOUR R WITH YOUR WIFE. Period. Never. Not now, not if you move back in, not 6 months from now, not ten years from now, NEVER.
Your feelings have nothing to do with that. Ok, so you kiss her and you get a woody. Fine, you got a woody and you WANT her but you don't NEED her. You can't EXPECT that just because you get aroused, physically, emotionally or both, you can't EXPECT her to do what you want.
Desire is a turn on in some circumstances but it can easily turn to expectation. Look at the recent speed bumps in my sitch for proof of that. I THOUGHT I was simply expressing desire for my W and what I was really doing was communicating to her what I EXPECTED her to do. She started noticing the difference and when she did, poof, gone was the "magic" of the last few months.
I know there is MUCH more to my sitch, and yours, but in the end, if we both make it, it will be because we learn to live our lives without at least the EXTRA expectations, the ones that we used to try to define and govern our wives life.
Quote: if we both make it, it will be because we learn to live our lives without at least the EXTRA expectations, the ones that we used to try to define and govern our wives life.
If you think about this statement, I realize that my wife has expected things from me but never tried to govern my life. I have tried to govern my wife. I think it would be ok to have expectations if we could controll our expectations, if they don't turn out the way we want. Our wifes can seem to controll their expectations. They get a little grumpy if we don't live up to their expectations but they don't try to make us live up to them the way I have tried to make her live up to my expectations of her. This statement really deserves alot of thought.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
Jersting, Just wanted to pop over and see how you were doing. There seems to be a lot of good here. I believe it was you who told me in the beginning of my experience to enjoy the moments. Well right back at ya bud. I have been keeping you in my prayers since I joined this bb and am thankful that you will get what you want. Remember in every interaction is hidden a treasure, it is just if you can see it. Take care, Cliffy
Posting an update in my sitch. My WAW started being really upfront and warm about a week and half ago. This past weekend was mine with the kids. I picked them up on thursday instead of my normal saturday because 2 days every other weekend is not enough and I wanted more time with them. Saturday night we were going to an arenacross race and wife called us 2 times. The second time she told me she missed me and wanted to tell me she loved me. Sunday morning she called and asked to spend time with us. She came over at lunch time and I made us a nice meal. The kids went to a play with their aunt for a couple hours in the middle of the day. That gave us time together for just the 2 of us. It was a great day and she left at 6 and I didn't try to stop her. Monday she asked me to stay for dinner when I took the kids back to her. She asked me to stay last night after the kids went to bed. This morning she left for work and told me she loved me. I am afraid things are moving a little too fast now. I think I am going to ask her to go out to dinner wiht me tonight and then I think it would be best if I went to my place instead of staying with her again tonight. Either way, I plan to play it by ear and see what happens. By the way, she is wearing her wedding rings for the first time in 5 months and she seems to be ready for me to move back home. I think I will move back in the same way I moved out, a little bit at a time. I am affraid of moving too fast, but I am also afraid of not seizing the opratunity when I have it. I will post if anything changes. Thanks for all of your help, I could not of made it to this point without everyone's help from here.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
I think you are wise to take it slow. Remember what DR says, if you rush back in, it may scare her off. Say "yes" sometimes and "no" sometimes. Leave her wanting just a little bit more. I bet it's very hard not to get too excited. But think of it this way...of all the hard things you've had to do through this process, surely this is one of the best.
I am so pleased to hear of your progress. Here's wishing you continued success.
Jerst, good call taking it slow my friend, however remember to be up front with her and make it clear on why you are moving relly slow. You don't want to give her the impression that you are having doubts either. I believe she will appreciate the fact that your M means enough for you to take your time. Very happy for your news my friend.
