Quote: I just don't get it sometimes. My W comes in every day to pick up the kids from my work after she gets off work. When she comes in she is real nice to me and the last few days she has been given me open mouth kisses and she is the one that initiates it. I don't resist, but it drives me crazy that she can do this and then walk out and not know if we will talk again until the next day or two.
Ah, now YOU grasshoppa my friend. THIS is your chance to just live the moments and stop trying to over-think everything.
Do you like the kisses? Do you want them to continue? Can you just appreciate them for what they are, not for what you want them to lead to?
I ask all this because I would KILL, even today, as good as my sitch is, for my W to initiate a kiss like that. I KNOW I could appreciate it for what it is and not need more. Please, see if you can do that too.
You are still trying to figure her out all the time. You are still trying to attach meaning to everything while I bet she's just trying to figure out how to live life, with or without you. She's obviously just doing what she feels at the moment, for whatever reason and if she's like many women, my W especially, she wants to be able to do that without trying to figure it all out. Let her.
Quote: She has been calling every night and we talk about anything but us.
THIS IS GREAT. Again, like the kisses, why can't this be enough for right now? She's talking to you. She's reaching out. Again, I can't judge her true motivations for this but neither can you so just accept what is happening and move on.
Look, I know how your mind is working. In your head it should go; Hug, kiss, ML, full reconciliation...or long conversation, renewed connection, ML the next time you see each other, full reconciliation.
You get my point. You can't understand how she can do A & B and not have it lead to C, D and eventually, of course, F.
Resist these thoughts. Learn to live the moments as they come without worrying so much about what will come next. There's something to be said for that old cliche "Stop to smell the roses."
Quote: I wish I could understand what she is going through a little better than I do.
Another opportunity for me to say, again, stop trying to figure her out right now. SHE doesn't even know the answers to the questions you want to ask so why should you?
Quote: She knows I would be willing to start putting things together so I could get back into the house and yet it is like she don't want me to come home.
As strange as it sounds, she's probably afraid to trust you. She's DEFINATLY afraid to trust herself and thinks by getting back into the marriage she's condemning herself to more suffering, suffering that she thought she'd rid herself of not too long ago. She may feel like she finally, for once, managed to figure out what SHE wanted and now all these mixed feelings, not to mention your overt or subtle pressure, are causing her to doubt herself and that doubt feels terrible. She thought she was 100% sure she'd never want to be with you again and now she's not that sure any more. That sucks for her. (Realize that I know NONE of this but a lot of it is pretty textbook in these kinds of sitches).
For you, any thought of a renewed relationship with her is all roses and sunshine, the culmination of all your hard work, the manifestation of your love, etc, etc, etc. For her, it's very likely similar to contemplating a return to one of the outer rings of hell. Sure, maybe they've build new condos there and maybe added a theme park or two, but at some point, the devil is going to make a return engagement and, well, all hell is going to break loose.
You have to understand that your perspectives are WAY different on these things and as such, probably can not be fully understood by either of you right now.
That's why I think you'd be best served to just learn to live without expectation. Experience without attaching meaning and love without condition.
