I agree with Phoenix_spark about the value of counseling. Perhaps your "breakthrough" can be used to bring up the possibility of counseling again (as in "You've said you don't want us to be this way and I don't want it either, but we don't seem to know how to communicate about our issues constructively so maybe it's time we accept the fact we don't have the tools and talk with someone who can teach them to us"...or something like that).
As I'm sure you know, hanging up on each other is not one of the hallmarks of a heathy communication style and, as Phoenix_spark said, you appear to need a "safe" environment right now to deal with some very deep-seated issues. In addition, it wouldn't hurt to have a referee to ring the bell when it's time for each of you to go back to your respective corners.
Of course, if she won't go...she won't go. If she refuses, consider going by yourself. It has been of immense value to me (I go to joint and individual counseling and the latter is, by far, the most valuable for me).
