Just getting started peicing it back together 2

[jersting]

I am not sure if I should be in piecing or in seperated. I pasted a thread of my posts to the bottom of this if anyone is interested. I am still living away from home and life with my WAW is a roller coaster to say the least. My last thread locked up so I cut and pasted the last post from that here. I look for any advice I can get.

From my last post, more things have happened. Last night as a matter of fact, we spoke on the phone. It was a heated battle that I did not want but she would not let me out of it. I hung up on her and she called me back. She hung up on me and as hard as I tried, I could not resist calling her back. The last thing I said to her before she hung up on me for the last time is..." I said I would be your friend through this and you have made it impossible for me to be your friend. You have turned this into a love hate relationship and the way you are being with me, if I can't love you with all my heart, I can't even like you because of the way you are treating me right now. As much as I love you, I can't keep this up and I give up." She then hung up on me and we didn't call back. This morning she called and I let the voice mail get it. She left a message that she was sorry and she did not want this to happen to us. I did not call her back and she showed up at my place an hour later. She came in crying and saying she could not believe we let this happen. I told her that I did not want this to happen either, but we can get through it if we want to. She hugged me and kissed me on the lips and started to leave. I told her that I would blow off work today and spend the day with her if she wanted to. She said she had thought about that too, but she could not miss work today because she took off yesterday to be with the kids. To be completely hounest with you, at this point if we did not have kids, I would just walk away from her. I am at my wits end and I don't like the way my life is going right now but my two kids are keeping me hanging on. I don't want to have this attitude, but I don't see to where she has left me any other choice.

[Phoenix_spark]

Have you guys been to a counselor. It looks like you guys need a controlled/constructive way to get the issues out. I'll come back and post more when I have more time.

[jersting]

I asked early on if she would go to a counselor and she said we should know how to treat each other without a counselor. We were going to a counselor at the begining of last year when we had our first bump and she didn't want to go anymore. I have pasted the links to my early posts if you are interested in the whole story. 2nd Thread 3rd Thread 1st Thread 4th Thread

[Phoenix_spark]

I'll try to get back to them. I suspect it's like my sitch, W didn't like how it hit close to home or having her "dirty laundry" out before others.

Stay strong.

[OldFool]

I agree with Phoenix_spark about the value of counseling. Perhaps your "breakthrough" can be used to bring up the possibility of counseling again (as in "You've said you don't want us to be this way and I don't want it either, but we don't seem to know how to communicate about our issues constructively so maybe it's time we accept the fact we don't have the tools and talk with someone who can teach them to us"...or something like that).

As I'm sure you know, hanging up on each other is not one of the hallmarks of a heathy communication style and, as Phoenix_spark said, you appear to need a "safe" environment right now to deal with some very deep-seated issues. In addition, it wouldn't hurt to have a referee to ring the bell when it's time for each of you to go back to your respective corners.

Of course, if she won't go...she won't go. If she refuses, consider going by yourself. It has been of immense value to me (I go to joint and individual counseling and the latter is, by far, the most valuable for me).

[jersting]

Someone has just come to me and told me they seen my w in the video store with another man last week. I tried to get ahold of her about son who was sick one night last week and she did not come home that night. I think she has backslid from wanting to reconcile and she is full steam ahead of us staying apart. I think she just don't have the right mental attitude to tell me anymore that she does not want our marriage.

[OldFool]

I think it's too soon to say she's done. If I recall correctly, your W split about the same time as mine (late Sept./early Oct.). If that's right, then you're only three months in. While that's enough for some, for just as many it's only the beginning. You don't know anything about the "guy in the video store" or the situation around it so just forget about it. Stay focused and don't let any single thing throw you off.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi jersting. Long time no post.

I'll quote you in bold:

Someone has just come to me and told me they seen my w in the video store with another man last week.

Well, how accurate is this information? How trustworthy is the source. Is this perhaps someone seeing a man talk to your W, putting 2+2 together and getting 5? (i.e. what that person saw isn't really what happened?).

I tried to get ahold of her about son who was sick one night last week and she did not come home that night.

OK. You tried to get a hold of her and couldn't. How does that directly lead to the conclusion of

she didn't come home that night ?

I think she has backslid from wanting to reconcile and she is full steam ahead of us staying apart.

Maybe she has, maybe she hasn't. Have you heard this from her directly? Even if you did, would you believe it, given that Michelle says beleive nothing of what they say and half of what they do?

I think she just don't have the right mental attitude to tell me anymore that she does not want our marriage.

And you know this how?

Jesrt, buddy, I see this as nothing but you jumping to conclusions based on assumptions. Now, I'm not naive, presumably neither are you. You might be right, and everything is exactly as you suspect. But, unless I've missed something, you're taking a puzzle with 90% of the pieces missing and describing what the whole looks like? Am I wrong here?

If I'm not wrong, then what you're doing is ASSuming.

Of course, what you need to be doing is not worrying about what she's doing/what her motivations are, etc., etc., etc.

What this really sounds like to me is this (and I've heard this from you before, thought similar things myself):

I'm not exactly sure I want to continue to fight for my M, given the uncertainty/vacillation surrounding my Ws words/actions.

Are you giving up? I hope not, since, unless there's more to the story that I've missed, I think you're building a straw man here.

If I'm way off base, here, I apologize in advance. But at first glance, I see this post as one like I've seen from you before. A temporary moment of doubt, mostly brought on by unwarranted analysis of Ws motives, which you cannot know. Am I wrong?

Take care, man, and stay strong. You can do this. I believe in you.

[grasshopper]

Old fool and Stoic are 100% right on this one Jerst. Please, you have to find some way to live your life and stop trying to manage hers.

Also, I don't remember, do you/did you have a persoanl C, working just with you? If not, that can be a GREAT place to start, and especially great for you right now.

Please think about it.

GH

[toughlover]

Old fool and Stoic are 100% right on this one Jerst. Please, you have to find some way to live your life and stop trying to manage hers.

Also, I don't remember, do you/did you have a persoanl C, working just with you? If not, that can be a GREAT place to start, and especially great for you right now.

Please think about it.

Ditto.