Renewing in 07 or silence

[jeanb]

A New Year for us all here, and a reflection on where I've been & Where I want to be in 07.

M: 27yrs.
H back home now 1 yr., after his long term A of 2 yrs.
are we piecing or pretending?

I joined these boards in 05 after his bomb, and continued here on and off with the hopes of 06 to be our year of rebuilding a better R and to be a better me, for me.

As I look back on our year spent back together, it is with many mixed emotions on where we really are now. H has been home physically, but I believe the EA with OW continued throughout 06 and may still be. So many uncertainties.

In the beginnng of 06, i envisioned a recommitment that will possibly never come about, or will not be the one i "dreamed" it would be. H and I only went to 2 MC's sessions and he openly said it is not for him. He couldn't talk to "an outsider" about us. H has alsways been totally silent about the A, about what lead up to it, and if and how it ended. The OW lives several hours away, and I have only my doubts, not any physical evidence that PA persists. I know EA did/does? , I see contact of concerns via few emails, cell phone calls, and a continued checking account of his that was opened only at the time of the A.

H has always been silent since he returned home. Any attempts at R talk on my part result in me asking ?'s, and H answering as little as possible, and then literally hanging his head in silence. H states it is because of "his guilt" in what he caused me.

I don't want it to seem as all downhill. If I step back and am honest with the whole last year, I see many positives: we ML , i get cards, trips away, and at times return to the everyday fun and intimacy of being home together again. These times however are sporadic and again less in the last few months again.

I feel our good times are based on his moods, while I do the 'wait and watch" and see. H very moody, admits to feeling down alot, i feel MLC, depression, play a big part still. H never mentions any R talk, period, nothing.

I see this not as piecing, but unreal. If I am silent about my insecurities, my hypervigilance, we seem on the surface to be happier than before the A. But keeping these thoughts to myself, only let them brew and grow until I occasionally spew in anger by asking some questions, or acting the victim--a person I definitely want to get rid!!!

Trying now to be honest with myself:
Give H time & space OR am I afraid to see the A may still be on? Even knowing the EA exists still hurts so much and is a definite obstacle to my letting go and moving on.

How many others deal with the silence? How do I let go of OW for my own sake, continue to work on a better me, so that if I find I need to confront H with reality that PA/EA exists I am strong enough to do so.

A friend asked me to reflect on this thought and I ask others now if they have the same?
I have told myself for a long time now that if H had another A, or continuing A with OW#1, that this would be the end of my recommitment to our M. At that time I would tell H, that we cannot act as if we are recommiting and that I would ask H to leave. So have I been walking on eggshells afraid of an A? and that is why I cannot truely forgive and move on? OR do I stay vigilant because his silence and actions?

How many others find piecing a long silent road that has slowly opened up to communiction? or not?

[Heywyre]

Hi jeanb

I am currently going through my second bomb (with the same H) and I have to say the first one took quite some time to get over (as a matter of fact I don't think I totally got over it before the second one hit) - about 4 years

Most MC will say you have to give it at least 1-2 years and really work on it - something your H doesn't seem to be doing, and something my H did not do the first time - thank goodness he is giving it his all this time around. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are walking on egg shells in a R - I think you need to take some positive steps to help YOU

Have you gone for counselling? Regardless of what your H does, it is very helpful

[jeanb]

thanks Heywryre,

I also read a bit from yours and thanks for your thoughts.
The idea of a bomb #2 seems overwhelming to me now as I sit and try to heal from ours, almost 2 yrs. now.

Did you feel like you were just waiting for it to happen again as I am? You are right, at this point, my H seems to be trying only when it is "right for him". These moods of his!!!

Somehow I feel deep down, that I can stand by him with any problem, be in MLC, depression, whatever it may be--as long as it doesn't involve OW again. His silence and pulling away on and off is what is keeping me on edge.

So much of my own issue, is to get this OW out of my head. I am a great acting "as if" most of the time, but deep in my inner self I am feeling watchful. NOt wanting ever to be in that spot again.

I have made myself a promise, that I WON'T be part of a marriage again if it involves dishonesty, mistrust ( OW). I tell myself I have grown over the last few years to respect myself if he can't. Did you feel the same? Is that why I am living fearful of my own boundary with myself?

Yes, I continue with my own C, and also am joining a group therapy this week, a women's group, just to meet and talk with others for support. Lots of resolutions for me--to continue to be a better me, for me!!!

thanks for your strength and caring words((((((())))))

[Heywyre]

Hi Jeanb

I have grown over the last few years to respect myself if he can't. Did you feel the same? Is that why I am living fearful of my own boundary with myself?

Possibly - only you know that.

The mind is a wonderful (and sometimes very damaging) thing. H and I met with our C yesterday and I explained to the C how strong my mind was that at times it could take over my reasoning etc. But, having said all that, WE are the ones that control it - and one must (as easy as it sounds) think positive.

It took me a LONG time to get over the first bomb. H was still going through depression when the second one hit so I don't know if I ever got over the first one. His doctor had told him NOT to come off the AD but he felt good and didn't want to be on drugs, so he did - BAD MISTAKE!! We moved to another city, had a bad accident and things went downhill from there. Now he is back on a much higher dose of meds and is resigned to stay on them, even if it means for life, because he knows he "has to".

His silence and pulling away sounds just like my H the first time around. However, he seems to be MUCH better now. He didn't want to burden me with his guilt, emotions, hurt, pain etc. and tried to deal with it all himself. This is not only unhealthy, but also self-destructive.

In my H effort to help me (because I am the one that likes to talk it out - he can't stand that) he agreed to try for a while to talk to me when thinks bothered him, and I was free to come to him to talk when I needed to.

I find now HE is the one that initiates most of the R talks and is finding it much easier to deal with his emotions and has even admitted to me that it makes him feel stronger. This, for us, is a definitely break-through

For the first time, in many, many years, I finally feel like there is actual hope for us and it really feels great. However, I still have my antenna on the alert and I am sure it will be like that for some time yet

Take care

[jeanb]

thanks,
am sitting and nodding , agreeing to you too. That mind of ours, i totally agree!!

I am trying hard to sit back, and let H deal with his own devils and his own issues. Knowing I can't do any repair for him. But at the same time wanting to move forward full speed on US. And that is what I know won't happen, so will make my goals the baby steps of the good we have come and hope to continue. The same to you, enjoy those baby steps!

[Heywyre]

I'm a "doer" and always have been. Settling for "baby steps" is not one of my strong suits

However, I have to test my patience and be content with little things instead of big leaps

[jeanb]

yes, I'm absolutely a Do-er! I also like to have a plan, a goal, probably many of the reasons we find the DB support very helpful.

The trouble I have is dealing with all the "unknowns", and imaginable unknowns.

I think of you Heywyre, because you mentioned your H had a 2nd bomb, and how you did not feel the 2 of you repaired after the 1st. Exactly how I am feeling!!! I know I am a different person now. I know I ( you too I'm sure) am stronger knowing what I faced and have come to value. My M, but not at the risk of loosing myself in the process.

My fear now is, how much am I imagining and preparing for bomb#2, if it is going to come at all? Do you feel your attitude may have contributed to the 2nd? Are you in a better place for yourself now, than after OW#1? a better DBer and stronger because you see have the past to learn from?

As I said, I can detach from my H's MLC, but not deny another OW if it comes to be. Were you surprised at all at #2? or looking back now see it coming?

Been reading other posts on boundaries, and thinking lots on that also. I can't be afraid to speak my mind about things that just "don't seem right". I'm having a hard time at deciding and then speaking of these issues,i.e. the continued seperate ck. book, and other things I am just not hearing or seeing to "reassure" me. I tell myself to give it and him time on all of his silence, but feel I have developed a hardening protective shell.

The first time I discovered OW and the A, I really wasn't surprised. Somehow all the signs were there, but denial is a big defense and I let it all go by.

I think I am giving myself advise!!!--yes, patience and time for now.

[Heywyre]

I was totally shocked, never mind surprised. It is so, so out of character for him. To this day he still talks about other people when he hears what they did to their spouse. Every once in a while, at the beginning just after the bomb, I used to say "isn't that the pot calling the kettle black" - but I refrain from that because it is just salt in the wound.

I don't think HE ever recovered from the first time. He was going through business partner problems, depression, major car accident (while he was driving, I was passenger - I think he felt guilt from that even though it wasn't his fault as we were at a red light). Then he went through a really bad job and got fired (for voicing his opinion) and that is the first time in 40 years of his life - it really took a chunk out of him and during that time, he also found out he was adopted (at the age of 55 - shocker eh) and no one to ask questions to because both his parents were deceased. I know it seems like I am giving him excuses, but I think anyone would collapse, he just dealt with it a bad way.

His A's were a little different in that he never in a million years (his expression) thought he would leave me, that wasn't in the plan. He never loved either of the women (they were both escorts) although he was involve emotionally for sure, and he contacted them, there was some sex but he was more concerned about trying to help them get out of the business (helping people has always been one of his weaknesses you could say - this time it definitely went way too far). The last one he was involved with, he told her numerous times he couldn't do what he was doing - it was wrong. The PA stopped but the EA continued for another 7 months, including 4½ months after we moved to another city. He used to go see her every Monday (his day off) which is a 3-hour drive each way - nice eh? But he says, and I believe him, there was no sex involved in the last few months. He struggled with telling her everytime he just couldn't do it anymore. But he felt he was helping her pull away from the "business" and he felt sorry for her because she had three kids and a father that didn't support them

Once again, I know it sounds like excuses and they aren't because no matter what the circumstances he was WRONG, plain and simple to do what he did, and he admits it, which is a big step

He has been hurt so badly this time that I think there is actually a chance we could recover - the thought of losing the only thing that ever meant anything to him is devastating to him. He admitted he has never trusted a woman (C says that is from being adopted) and can't remember ever loving anyone (although he had a number of relationships before me, including two other marriages - yes that should have been a trigger eh?) but all in all, he is a wonderful, caring man and I can't imagine my life without him - regardless of whether we stay in a M together or not. I would still want him to be a part of my life.