A New Year for us all here, and a reflection on where I've been & Where I want to be in 07.
M: 27yrs. H back home now 1 yr., after his long term A of 2 yrs. are we piecing or pretending?
I joined these boards in 05 after his bomb, and continued here on and off with the hopes of 06 to be our year of rebuilding a better R and to be a better me, for me.
As I look back on our year spent back together, it is with many mixed emotions on where we really are now. H has been home physically, but I believe the EA with OW continued throughout 06 and may still be. So many uncertainties.
In the beginnng of 06, i envisioned a recommitment that will possibly never come about, or will not be the one i "dreamed" it would be. H and I only went to 2 MC's sessions and he openly said it is not for him. He couldn't talk to "an outsider" about us. H has alsways been totally silent about the A, about what lead up to it, and if and how it ended. The OW lives several hours away, and I have only my doubts, not any physical evidence that PA persists. I know EA did/does? , I see contact of concerns via few emails, cell phone calls, and a continued checking account of his that was opened only at the time of the A.
H has always been silent since he returned home. Any attempts at R talk on my part result in me asking ?'s, and H answering as little as possible, and then literally hanging his head in silence. H states it is because of "his guilt" in what he caused me.
I don't want it to seem as all downhill. If I step back and am honest with the whole last year, I see many positives: we ML , i get cards, trips away, and at times return to the everyday fun and intimacy of being home together again. These times however are sporadic and again less in the last few months again.
I feel our good times are based on his moods, while I do the 'wait and watch" and see. H very moody, admits to feeling down alot, i feel MLC, depression, play a big part still. H never mentions any R talk, period, nothing.
I see this not as piecing, but unreal. If I am silent about my insecurities, my hypervigilance, we seem on the surface to be happier than before the A. But keeping these thoughts to myself, only let them brew and grow until I occasionally spew in anger by asking some questions, or acting the victim--a person I definitely want to get rid!!!
Trying now to be honest with myself: Give H time & space OR am I afraid to see the A may still be on? Even knowing the EA exists still hurts so much and is a definite obstacle to my letting go and moving on.
How many others deal with the silence? How do I let go of OW for my own sake, continue to work on a better me, so that if I find I need to confront H with reality that PA/EA exists I am strong enough to do so.
A friend asked me to reflect on this thought and I ask others now if they have the same? I have told myself for a long time now that if H had another A, or continuing A with OW#1, that this would be the end of my recommitment to our M. At that time I would tell H, that we cannot act as if we are recommiting and that I would ask H to leave. So have I been walking on eggshells afraid of an A? and that is why I cannot truely forgive and move on? OR do I stay vigilant because his silence and actions?
How many others find piecing a long silent road that has slowly opened up to communiction? or not?
