Thanks for all the ideas and support I always say that intellectually one can know what's "right," but emotionally one can get really hung up on the wrong things.
I am doing much better now and plan to focus on habitually letting this go so it will eventually become a non-issue. I do know a lot about cognitive training (I've used it with others) so I should be able to "change" my own brain and eliminate disturbing thoughts and behaviors. Of course helping others is sooo much easier than helping oneself.
And yes, my husband had a big part in the affair... he DID tell OW he was getting a divorce and filed as quickly as possible. Of course SHE was married and didn't have any plans to divorce her husband. It's funny but that bothers me more. I think what disturbs me is here was this young woman, well-educated (post-grad), very ambitious in the business world, 2-year-old child at home, loved her husband and she has this 6 month affair with mine. I think it also bothers me that when I originally mentioned that I would let her husband know about it she didn't stop. And yet, months later when I finally did tell her husband she was very upset. I don't really understand it. If she loved her husband so much why would she have done this? She had plenty of time to think about it. And this wasn't MLC. I think one problem I have is an obsession to know things. I always want to know and understand everything and can be very driven. But her reasons and her life is absolutely NONE of my business!!!
My husband did file for divorce about 2 months into the EA (although, he was restless about marriage for about 3 years so this was more like an "exit affair" or a crutch to help him leave a marriage he had been questioning for quite awhile). Overall, looking back, this all needed to happen. I think this may have been something my husband needed to go through and yet, gosh, it really hurt me a lot (although i also changed and grew in unexpected ways).... oh well... enough mental meandering!
I did share this problem with my therapist and she gave me some really helpful advice. She said, yes... temporarily increase the celexa .
The next thing was come up with a plan... which I've written in my daily planner. If I'm overwhelmed with negative thoughts about OW (1) call friends (I have a list). (2) Pray.... useful even when not entirely spiritual. (Hey, there are scientific studies that verify the usefulness of prayer!) I.e. the serenity prayer. (3) Obtain a book of daily affirmations (check out a few and choose the best) and read each morning. (4) This one I really like.... create a list of what I like about me in the daily planner and read it every day. Add on to it regularly. I find when I like myself more OW and any jealousy I feel fades in the background.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
. 