i don't imagine anyone is particularly interested in my story. it just helps to write stuff down sometimes. and everyone's thoughts have been so greatly appreciated. you know how much it helps as others have probably helped you.
the 2nd therapy session was good. amazingly, the therapist is beginning to think there is something wrong with my fiance. not only due to the arguments and pressure put on her from early on in our relationship... but something more. this gives me hope. but it doesn't change the fact that we are further away than ever. i do not regret saying that i can't imagine marrying her given our current situation. that, as i've said, was her 'nail in the coffin' for marriage. she took off the ring and started telling friends and family that it is off. i have felt quite separated from her, which has helped my frustration levels with regard to no sex. but overall i am deeply depressed. i'm not sure what happened to my life.
i've been away from the board because i lost my job last thursday. our finances have been a major cause of stress for her, and so this really isn't going to help matters. i am looking for a new job, but the timing could not have been worse. well... come to think of it, i have been wondering if this all happened for a reason. the timing is really giving me an 'out' if i truly believe this is going nowhere.
i don't know what to believe. and as for the 'sex machine/maniac' comment... i agree with chrome that it just feels like that. if you have been deprived for 1+ month you just get to the point where you think about sex all the time and it possesses you. i've told the therapist - and i know you guys will agree - that after we have sex the whole world changes from black and white and stark to color and i feel happy, confident, fulfilled, hopeful, loving, optomistic. to have lost my job and still in that stark world feels pretty terrible.
i know she loves me but she has no idea how to help me out of this darkness. even if she knows she will not make love to the person she said she loves. there are too many walls. outside the bedroom and inside the bedroom.
it looks like everest. but i am thinking maybe life shouldn't be everest - and even if i climbed this mountain, would the reward fill the void in my life? sorry for all the symbolism... i am listening to mogwai and feeling particularly dark this morning.
