post-script: i should not have brought theology into this. i am not a very good christian and we are not seeing a christian counselor. i am a follower of the cross, but a fallen one. i am not trying to 'set God aside'... only to deal with one issue at a time.
Let's talk about this "unconditional love" your fiance wishes you would give her. That, my friend, is the real illusion. Why not ask her if she would love you unconditionally? What if you had an affair? What if you were a drug addict? What if you beat the crap out of her on a regular basis?
No. No. No. No.... Unconditional love is something that we sometimes get from our parents (but there are plenty of examples of parents who don't give this to their children). Unconditional love is something that some people claim they/you only get from God, or Allah, or Vishnu, or (insert favorite deity here).
Unconditional love is a trump card that people put on the table when they want to show you how crappy you are for not putting up with their sh!t.
I'm sorry to hear that your fiance's parents were unavailable. That's some hefty baggage. You can choose to be there to help her through the bad times. You can choose to love her in spite of occasional bad behavior on her part. You can choose to love her, even though it hurts, every day, to wake up and realize that you are still with her, and that she still is the same dispassionate cold fish you chose to be with years ago.
But one day, my friend, "conditions" may get the best of you and you will realize that you don't love her anymore, because you have given her all of yourself, and she has remained steadfast in her disinterest in physical love.
And then you'll be as old and cranky as some of us on the board.
As for sleeping on the couch, I want to tell you that it's not a defeat. Enjoy the couch. I've gotten some of my best nights' sleep on various couches.
One last piece of advice: avoid preachy dudes who call you a moron and accuse you of being some sort of sex addict and sinner just because you had premarital sex. They have an agenda.
Far from castrated, I have learned the hard way what my sexual appetites have cost me.
I was in the music business for 30 years. "Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll" was my mantra. I have probably had more sex than most of the guys on here put together. The more I got, the more I wanted.
Sex is like a drug. You never 'want' less, you always want more. I met a woman who could not possibly keep up with my appetites. I blamed her, as you are doing. If I had had enough sense, compassion, unconditional love and a sense of objectivity I would have seen this and adjusted. My distorted perception kept me from appreciating all the other wonderful qualities this beautiful woman possesses. I was a prisoner of self, as you are. I lived in a room full of mirrors: all I could see was me.
Castrated? I suggest you are emotionally castrated. Little Willy runs your life, and you will meet with the same fate as most men with your attitude.
A fool learns from his own mistakes; a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
Get a handle on your out of control sexuality.
Or get a Preferred Membership to the Bunny Ranch.
Don't ruin this girl's life.
David
And, by the way, my 'agenda' is to keep you from making the same mistakes I made and ruining two lives.
Avoid advice from people who have no more respect for themselves than to choose a handle of 'Hairdog.'
That, in itself, speaks volumes.
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
thanks hairdog. that is GREAT advice. i actually DID enjoy sleeping on the couch last night! the back supports you so you can kind of lean in to it, do you know what i mean? and you're right about the 'un/conditional' thing - man i've been trying to figure out why it just doesn't ring true. other people were saying the same thing as you, but that kind of hit it home for me. and there is NO WAY i am going to feel guilty for needing so much sex. granted, a relationship is a two-way street and i need to understand what role i play in contributing to her LD. but the 'trump' card statement is so true. her hard-nosed insistence that i commit before she can begin to change may be my only way out of a potentially sexless marriage. i love her immensely, but i am SO GLAD that i have finally put this in terms that she understands. thanks everyone...
Quote: Far from castrated, I have learned the hard way what my sexual appetites have cost me.
I was in the music business for 30 years. "Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll" was my mantra. I have probably had more sex than most of the guys on here put together. The more I got, the more I wanted.
Your advice and observations, while relevant in some contexts is not appropriate for Sink. He's not a sex fiend who wants to sleep with every woman who falls within arm's reach. He wants a reasonable amount of sex from one woman to whom he is committed. THAT is perfectly reasonable and has nothing to do with Sex Drugs and/or Rock & Roll.
Sink... everyone is fallen... that's why we need forgiveness and why God readily grants it. The place it's hardest to get forgiveness is from ourselves.
There is a vast difference between "unbridled lust" and desiring a regular (as in fairly frequent) sexual relationship with mutuality. When God created marriage he did intend for the persons involved to be sexual with one another. Marriage is a vocation of its own and sexuality is part of it. Sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyles bear no relationship to what I see sinking as talking about. In fact, better that if he really believes "until death do us part" that he commit with someone he has a good chance of living that committment with.
The term 'sex machine' does not connote a sweet guy who just 'wants a little' now and again. Words mean things. And who are you? Are you his attorney? Can the guy speak for himself? How is it you know what he's thinking? The advice is free, from someone who has been down that road and paid the price. And, at the time, I didn't think there was anything wrong with what I was doing. I was a 'red blooded American boy, doing what comes naturally.'
Nobody ever said the gentleman wasn't worthy of forgiveness. "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." That wasn't my point. My point was to have him examine his sexual appetite and see if it was out of proportion. Had he not said, 'I'm a sex machine, I want it all the time,' I probably would not have responded to the post. And my analogy was just that: an analogy. I was a 'sex machine' and wanted it all the time. Sorry you missed the point. I stand by what I said: out of control sexual desires will doom this relationship. Let's meet back here in five years and see what happened.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
Let's meet back here in five years and see what happened.
No need. We have your omniscience available right here in this thread! You've got it all figured out already. You can pass judgment on a person from fewer than 30 posts!
Quote: I doubt that anyone will please you sexually. You have proconceived sexual appetites that no one can fill. . . You're a sex machine? You're a moron. You have no clue what marriage means, and you're better off letting this girl find a guy who is interested in HER needs instead of just his own. . . All though I'm certain this will fall on deaf ears... . . On your present course you will bring nothing but heartache to yourself and any woman who becomes your victim.
You talk a lot for someone who's certain their words will fall on deaf ears. Maybe you're the one who's unsure of what words mean or maybe you just like to watch yourself type or perhaps you're simply a judgmental prig. I'm just a normal guy so unlike you, I can't tell from here.
I have my guess, though.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I'm sure he can speak for himself and he has. He has said a whole lot more than just calling himself a "sex machine." Perhaps, compared to his gf he is. The point that I and others have been making is not whether sinking is a perfect human being or not but simply that he is not yet married and if this is a core issue then at the very least any wedding should be delayed pending figuring out how to resolve the issue or if it can be resovled.
Additionally, I didn't pass a value judgement on your youthful choice. Many people make the same ones and a lot of people regret those choices. I just don't equate your description with what sinking seemed to be talking about. I perceived him as describing a high sexual appetite in general that he would prefer to direct toward a receptive spouse. He didn't say that he wants to "f everything in a skirt." Of course, my perception says a lot more about me than it does about him since, as you point out, I don't know him. My perception is there to take or leave - just like yours.
Tamashi - I wish you the best of luck in your personal endeavors and I will assume that you had the very best of intentions in what you said.
Quote: The term 'sex machine' does not connote a sweet guy who just 'wants a little' now and again.
I'd say pretty much everyone who is here because of being in a sex-starved marriage probably feels like a "sex maniac" at times, both from the unfulfilled desire and from their partner minimizing that desire verbally and physically. I wouldn't assume that someone calling themself a sex maniac automatically means they are in the same league as rock star.
JM2C
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
