I am so sorry for your pain and for your doubt. It is a natural thing to come on the heels of such actions.
However. As much as I hate to say this against my gender... it is a female ploy. She may, in fact, leave you. I won't say that isn't so. But I see this as more a female 'test,' a huge hissy fit, than anything else.
Stick to your guns. You don't have to be mean, or cruel, or pissed off. She MUST understand that this is an issue on which you will NOT budge. She is going to rebel, resist, test, etc. It will come in many forms. I would not be surprised to hear you reporting a crying jag within a few days.
BE CONSISTENT in your unwavering boundary on this issue. Do it with quiet strength. Do not blame. Do not turn it back on her or her issues. Stay steadfast in... "I'm so sorry you feel this way. I understand. I do. I understand how you think it is all about sex. A trade-off. I get that. But to me, it isn't. This issue, and how WE deal with it, together, is central to my concern on moving forward with you."
See? It isn't so much about sex OR unconditional love... but about respect and how the two of you, when you reach an impasse, will deal with problem-solving. It doesn't matter WHAT the issue is... but if you respect one another enough to tackle the issue together, or not, and pull a power play (a.k.a. hissy fit).
It hurts for you both now... but what comes of this will determine how things will go for you in a marriage. Be strong, be consistent, be empathetic. Try not to pull punches on her and get into a pissing match. Do not apologize for what is important for you... but don't shove it in her face, either. That will give her room to throw her hissy fit... and then step up to the plate, if she has it in her.
As far as the her statement on conditional love goes:
Dam right there is a condition. There is a condition is any contract, marital or otherwise. The condidtion may be 'unconditional love,' but you have to understand that unconditional love is something you GIVE, not that you necessarily GET.
So... if she is seeking unconditional love... which is fine... where is HER unconditional love?
Sorry. Don't mean to fan the flames. Couldn't help myself.
Quote: now that there may be some 'condition' to our marriage
She took off her ring because of this? Because you insisted there must be sex in this marriage?
Sinking: run like the wind. I'm gonna say it out loud (as it were)-- call off the relationship, call off the marriage. Tell her that the woman you marry must like sex and be willing to have sex with you with some reasonable degree of frequency. If she chooses to see that as a "condition," so be it. Condition is not a dirty word. And unconditional love between adults is an absurd impossibility.
End this relationship now. Let her find someone else to struggle with over this for the next 40 years.
Sinking, some of the people on this board have been in sexless or virtually sexless marriages for longer than you have been alive-- 30+ years. Ten, twenty, thirty years of begging for sex, being physically starved, having their bodies and their physical expressions of affection rejected, sometimes with indifference, and sometimes with outright rudeness and cruelty.
YOU are looking down the barrel of that gun. If you choose this relationship, KNOW what you are choosing...
good morning folks. i didn't think i would survive the night. i really don't know what i would do without this board. she said we are done with. she wants to call the landlord and make arrangements to move out. the whole thing is done with. and then this morning, after sleeping on the couch again, she said she will try one more counseling session. but i have no idea if she means it or not. i am sticking to my guns the best i can. i'm still confused about this whole 'loving un/conditionally' thing though. i don't know how to explain my feelings to her. it seems like she has made up her mind about me and us. she said she misses the sex too - but i started this and have perpetuated her feeling 'guilty' about it - without giving her 'time and space to heal'... same story. anyways... i imagine, barring a miracle at our counseling session, this is going downhill fast. i just hope we make it to that session monday...
I know this hurts, sink... I'm so sorry you're going through this. However, look at the big picture... look at a year from now, five years, ten, twenty... what kind of life to you picture for yourself? I know you want this immediate pain to go away, but you're going to be stuck with it for a while. I would suggest you continue to see the counselor on your own even after the breakup. The more you understand, see into, and forgive yourself, the less likely you are to unconsciously attract a woman with the same issues. Many congratulations to you for addressing this painful issue before the wedding. Many who have passed through the SSM community went ahead with the wedding in spite of major red flags, thinking that somehow things would straightedn themselves out after the wedding. You're very wise to deal with this before.
She is trying to put the blame on you because she is not willing to face herself and her inner demons. What you are expecting from your relationship is NORMAL. What she expects is NOT NORMAL. Like Deida says, find your true path and stay the course, even if this means losing her. Women want men that do NOT cave into them.
Quote: will she ever become as 'sexed' as i need in a spouse ultimately? no. will things get better or worse over time? worse, obviously.
I got here a bit late.
I doubt that anyone will please you sexually. You have proconceived sexual appetites that no one can fill. This is the danger of sex before marriage and a sexual lifestyle before finding a mate.
Unfortunately, we all do it. This was a problem in my marriage and contributed to its demise. I wasn't getting what I wanted and I became angry and resentful. This resulted in me giving her a hard time, making inuendo and jokes and killing whatever sex she was willing to give. I also was not concerned with what she needed in order to feel sexual. On your present course, you will do the same.
You're a sex machine? You're a moron. You have no clue what marriage means, and you're better off letting this girl find a guy who is interested in HER needs instead of just his own.
All though I'm certain this will fall on deaf ears, I suggest you discover what an illusion sex really is. I suggest the book "Every Man's Battle" to help you with your unbridled lust so you can be a good husband to sone decent woman. On your present course you will bring nothing but heartache to yourself and any woman who becomes your victim.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
cemar - i think you are right, but there is no possible way that i can illustrate this to her at this point. she is absolutely and completely convinced they are MY demons. i don't think either of us are entirely at fault - i think we have both contributed to this problem. only now i have made a stand and brought marriage into the equation. a decision, she says 'that was the worst possible thing i could do' for us. i can't cave at this point. there's no going back. it's all on the table.
tamashii - i respect and understand your opinion, but it is very difficult for me for me relate. one could almost say you sound as though you have been 'castrated' by your wife and are now subject to her rules regarding your sex life. that said, i do think that sex before marriage messes things up. we choose our 'own way'... just as adam did... and we take a big risk. God only wanted to help us... but ultimately it is our choice. i have no doubt i got myself into this mess... but i also know that i am unwilling to give up my sex life for any 'higher' ascetic virtue. i think deida's model is quite consistent with christian theology. i also think sex means so much to us because it is meant to. we might mess up, but ultimately He wants us to find our way. there are a multitude of 'own choices' that have lead us here - both her and me.
