well there's not much left to say. thanks corri for the insight. i think you're right. i think the sex is just a symptom but i don't know what the real issue is then. she took off her engagement ring last night. i guess i don't blame her. and it's sad to think this would happen to me in another relationship... frankly i have no clue as to what is wrong with me. i'm tired and fed up with all this fighting. our next session is monday the 15th... but i have a terrible feeling that things are deteriorating.
I don't know... I think Cobra had a very good point... you need to discover what is driving you 'below the surface' that has you helping create the situation you now find yourself, or you are likely to go out and do it again with someone else.
Sinking, you've come into a room of analyzers who love to look at a problem from every angle, probe it mercilessly and dig their teeth in until it all makes sense. Nothing wrong with that.
But not every problem reflects a subconscious full of minefields and dark secrets. Just consider that what you need to discover may be as simple as the notion that two people who love each other don't necessarily have what it takes to make a relationship work, and that's okay.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I'll second what Burgbud is saying. I'm NOT saying you have a deep-seated problem that will sabotage you for the rest of your life.
All I am saying is... it takes two people to create a problem, and two people to solve it. We ALL have to learn how to problem solve... if you find some stuff below the hood that has been driving you in unconscious ways, and you find it, it's better to fix it than to put duck tape on it and hope it holds, kwis?
You are NOT willing to negotiate on your sex needs, and honestly... you are even willing to NOT move forward with an M because of it. Do you know how much further along the road you are than most people, simply because you KNOW this about yourself? I'm not making light or criticizing your for how important you think sex is. (It is). She just sees it differently. And that isn't bad. But it does create a problem.
Nothing that is happening with you is necessarily good or bad... so if what I'm saying is sounding critical to you, I apologize. I don't mean for it to. I'm just saying... in ANY R you get into... problems are going to crop up... whether it is sex or something else.
You are in a situation right now where you have an opportunity to learn how to problem-solve. Your W2B is hurting... so are you... but give her a few days... she's a big girl. She'll get over her hurt. If she DOESN'T... then that tells you something.
If YOU back off now, and make HER feel better, she puts her ring back on, and the wedding plans go forward full steam... that is going to tell you something about you.
Now I'm confused. Are you and Sinking one and the same?
LOL! nope! we just have something in common. just thought I'd say "been there" to your comment on musicianship and income, and the tough choice we have to make. its a no-win choice. sux to be an ar-TEEST.
thanks for all the feedback again. i just want to do the right thing. it really hurts that she took off the ring. i love her so much. but i will take this pain in the short term if it means less pain in the long term. i don't want to throw this away. but i will not compromise. i will work with the therapist - go as long as it takes with no sex to get us 'back on track'. but i can't fake excitement about the wedding when my mind is more on our sex issues and my music career finally taking off. i want to marry her - but deida seems right. that is my inner strength. i need her inspiration - and i'm not going to lie to myself and imagine sex once or twice will be enough for me. that's not a relationship. it's just not.
Just thought I would mention that the feeling of hurt doesn't necessarily mean that something is a bad decision. Let's say you open a business and it just isn't making after a couple of years, you pour your heart and sould into it for another year and conclude that you must close it - painful, but necessary. Relationships are even harder than that but sometimes two people can work things out and sometimes they can't. I suggest you think about a timeline and some specific goals that will need to be reached within that timeframe to continue this R. You are smart to postpone the wedding in the meantime.
sinking: this could be a good thing. Read back over the stuff about leverage. You two might be on an equal playing field for the first time since you met. Now is the time to discuss all the things that are important to each of you, and to both of you.
hairdog - you're exactly right. btw, as a disclaimer - i disagree with a lot of people on this board - just not the people/advice in this thread. i think you're all right on track. now i'm sleeping on the couch. does it say something that i'm sleeping on the couch and not her? well if it were up to me i'd be sleeping in bed with her. i'm not trying to confuse her - but she basically says the whole relationship is over now that my commitment is in question - or now that there may be some 'condition' to our marriage. i love her and i am still committed to her - but i have finally expressed to her how important sex is to me - and i've done it in terms that she actually cares about. her response is to take off her ring and essentially 'shut down'. she has stopped returning my emails and insists i sleep on the couch. for all i know, when i get home all her stuff may be gone. i may never hear from her again. i think she loves me but she has major abandonment issues (dad left at 4, mom died at 9), and she needs unconditional love from someone. i feel like i give her that. i need sex in return - which we are working on. but now that i brought the wedding/commitment into the sex thing - she is responding by radically shutting down. this may be the end - but i don't know how this could have been avoided.
