i didn't think we'd make it this far. i wonder if i should be proud of myself for making this happen - or ashamed that i didn't get out earlier. i am only engaged, not married. and my fiance has said that 'i ruined our sex life' by giving her a hard time about it (it's infrequency) early on. she said she doesn't respond to pressure. yada yada yada... you've heard it all before. the same excuses of a LD spouse/girlfriend. it's all in michelle's book because she's heard it all before. the underlying issues will be exposed in therapy... but ultimately it's the same old story. will she ever become as 'sexed' as i need in a spouse ultimately? no. will things get better or worse over time? worse, obviously. i am 28 and at the peak of my life - i am a sex machine! young, attractive, and sex is always on my mind. she's 33 and insecure about her body (even though she's gorgeous), and full of other issues too. therapy will bring out my issues as well, of course. but i'm talking about the result.... i mean, i have no intention of sabotaging this without giving it a chance. but if i believe in a miracle, what i'll get is a huge let down. that is the story that i read time and time again on this board. and it's sad as hell.
Sinking, are you sure you want to go through with this marriage? If you've been reading this board, you know what your future is likely to be. Even if things improve, they will probably never be at the level you want. At your age, you have many years ahead of you... do you want to spend them wondering when is the next time you're going to get laid?
no! no i don't! and i thought that's what *marriage* was supposed to be!! the GUARANTEE that you have someone at home who wants to get it on with you tonight! or at least in the very near future. i hope the counselor exposes this major difference between us... but i can't expect her to change what i have to change myself ultimately.
why is this HD/LD issue so freaking huge? i mean, it cuts the spiritual core of so many relationships in our culture and it is still a virtually taboo topic. before i was in a LD/HR relationship i was ignorant of how serious this problem is. how much pain people are in. michelle is a hero for what she is doing - but she is only one person. there are thousands of heart-wrenching stories on this board... what is the answer? how could so many people be in such agony without a serious response from the psychological community? i guess i'm getting a little carried away. i'm an idealist, and this whole issue seems so frustrating to me.
Quote: no! no i don't! and i thought that's what *marriage* was supposed to be!! the GUARANTEE that you have someone at home who wants to get it on with you tonight! or at least in the very near future.
oh, if ONLY that were true. LOL!! really, the opposite is closer to the truth. once you get hitched, you give up any leverage you might have had to set or enforce boundaries. Be happy that you know the deal now, and recognize it for what it is. Some of us were too dumb to see it coming...some saw it coming, and ignored it...did it anyway. For many, the "truth" doesn't come out until its too late to turn back.
You've heard the joke about why all brides smile when they're walking down the aisle, right?
no what is the joke? man this is the most dismal news i've ever heard though. that marriage ensures that you have no leverage. i thought it ensures you're going to 'work it out'?? but you're right! all the stories here are the same! the sex gets worse after marriage - and even worse after kids! god what is this world we live in?! everyone here tells me 'don't do it!' i suppose it's a no-brainer - if you're divorce-busting before marriage due to LD/HD get the f**k out. what about love? i guess it's the sad truth that it simply is not enough...
Quote: i thought that's what *marriage* was supposed to be!! the GUARANTEE that you have someone at home who wants to get it on with you tonight! or at least in the very near future.
You don't know how far from the truth that really is. I can understand that is your thinking - at 28 - you don't think about much else. However, marriage is a heck of a lot more than that and sex is just the icing on the cake.
Being I live in a sexless - yes sexless - marriage, it has been like that for some time (years as a matter of fact) and I am the HD partner (by a long shot) it is not easy.
However, I have also been married before to a much HD partner and can tell you I would rather be where I am now that to be with him. That's all he wanted, all he wanted, all he wanted. There was nothing more to him and you can't survive a relationship based on that. Eventually, believe it or not, your drive will diminish and then what? Hard to imagine, I know, but my H used to be a HD person too (in his younger days from what I hear - I can't keep track as to how many women he had - and this is from his friends, not his own bragging)
Marriage is a committment - for better or for worse - and unless you are willing to sacrifice that, I think you better seriously think about what you are doing before you actually go through with it. Quite personally, I don't think you are ready for it
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
wow. that had not really occurred to me. maybe i am so blinded by the sex thing that i cannot even fathom what kind of a couple we would be. all i think about is sex. someone on this board said it's 80% of what you think about if it's not happening, and 20% of what you think about if it is. we really don't have very much in common. we are just in love each other. i like the fact we're so different because that's what turns me on to her. and if being turned on is my biggest criteria to get married, everything seems to be in order. i.e. i'm in love with her because she is so different - so 'other'. maybe if we had a lot of sex i would lose interest in her... but what i imagine will happen is that having a lot of sex with her will bring us closer together and we will be able to explore the mysteries of each other's different perspective on life. i know it sounds weird, but i honestly believe i am so in love with her because of how mysterious she is to me. i believe she will always be. ok going too deep here... but thanks for the input. i, for one, believe sex can be a central theme throughout a marriage. it's more than just icing. i am determined to be in a marriage where we make love 2-3 times a week (the US avg) or more for way into our old age. sure my libido may go down one day... but you can't plan your life around how you'll feel in the future. i appreciate other people sharing their stories - but, like i said, i'm an idealist and i think sex can be great through a lifetime.
"what about love?" yeah, what about it? sure, there's more to marriage than "sex", but for some, and I suspect many if not most of the "HDs", the 2 (sex and love) are inseperable. Its one thing to wind up behind the 8-ball; but why start off there from the get-go?
the joke: q: why do all brides smile on their way down the aisle? a: because they know they've given their last BJ.
The "Joke" is that brides are smiling as they walk down the aisle because they know they'll never have to give another blowj--. Ha frikkin' ha.
Kid, the "leverage" the others mention is very real. Once you commit, they've got you by one ball. Then come the kids, and you realize that the other ball is caught. Oh, and along come the joint financial obligations (house,cars) and the comfort level of dual incomes, and then it takes, figuratively speaking, Herculean strength and fortitude to wrestle free. And by "wrestle free" I don't just mean the ultimate - divorce. I mean the boundary changes that are necessary to actually get the LD partner to commit to and make the necessary effort to change.
If you're fighting that battle already, <here, Hairdog takes sinking's head and holds it steady while he looks in his eyes> you two are not compatible.
Quote: i, for one, believe sex can be a central theme throughout a marriage. it's more than just icing. i am determined to be in a marriage where we make love 2-3 times a week
This is possible-- definitely! But not with your current partner. True, some people on this board started in HD/HD relationships, and the sex fell off. But you're starting with an imbalance-- do you honestly think it will get better? Is it possible that her lack of interest is the very thing that turns you on?
