Pushing it to the limit...still!

[MuddleThrough]

we can create all sorts of motivations for our S's actions but they mean squat cuz WE DON"T KNOW! We can't and, in a way, it is disrespectful to believe we do. It certainly is best to do what will create a better and happier person in myself, do my dbing as best I can and remember to keep respect for myself and my W a priority in my life.

Actually, I have to disagree with you here - I think the motivations we create for their actions means a lot about OUR motivations. When we presume to know what drives them we simply see what we want to see. Why do we want to see what we are seeing? Because there's a sense of safety in "knowing" what's driving them. Because it makes us feel better in a way. In control. As you say, the reality is that we don't know what their motivation is, and it is not relevant. Their actions are what we need to pay attention to - they're watching for ours and don't give a rat's ass about OUR intentions. The real danger is in us believing that what we presume are their motivations actually are. Then we interact with them with these beliefs framing how we see them. In the end we are interacting with ourselves, not our S. We are defining our S - certainly not respectful. We are having a narcisistic relationship through them - interacting with our projections, not another autonomous human. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, that's what happens between the affair partners. Practically defines the dysfunction in that relationship.

This is where the DB concept of "acting as if" comes into play. If we act as if we counter our personal drive to expect our spouse to treat us negatively (I think it's somewhat human nature to expect what's happened in the past, a way of seeing order - and therefore safety - in our world). If we act as if they will be happy to see us when we get home rather than annoyed, angry, indifferent, etc, then there is a higher likelyhood that they will be. Negativity is contagious, moreso than positivity, so to counter your own drive to expect the negative will allow for a higher likelyhood of positivity - in you both.