Quote: we can create all sorts of motivations for our S's actions but they mean squat cuz WE DON"T KNOW! We can't and, in a way, it is disrespectful to believe we do.
I'm going to post this where I can read it OFTEN! So true.
Quote: Work on being the best you that you can be. Create happiness within yourself. Treat your W in a loving way because it makes you feel good. Do not have any expectations, that just sets you up for dissappointment.
This is such a true statement. I do it to myself, as you all know. And I have set myself up knowing that I built up too high an expectation in my R. And I have been ignoring those Baby Steps!!!
It's good to know we can look to others wisdom to help us get back on track. Thanks Mamabear!!!
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
Aud, I'm gonna get those words tattood on my forehead so that every time I look in the mirror I have to read them. Then I'll probably just ignore them and carry on anyway
Quote: we can create all sorts of motivations for our S's actions but they mean squat cuz WE DON"T KNOW! We can't and, in a way, it is disrespectful to believe we do. It certainly is best to do what will create a better and happier person in myself, do my dbing as best I can and remember to keep respect for myself and my W a priority in my life.
Actually, I have to disagree with you here - I think the motivations we create for their actions means a lot about OUR motivations. When we presume to know what drives them we simply see what we want to see. Why do we want to see what we are seeing? Because there's a sense of safety in "knowing" what's driving them. Because it makes us feel better in a way. In control. As you say, the reality is that we don't know what their motivation is, and it is not relevant. Their actions are what we need to pay attention to - they're watching for ours and don't give a rat's ass about OUR intentions. The real danger is in us believing that what we presume are their motivations actually are. Then we interact with them with these beliefs framing how we see them. In the end we are interacting with ourselves, not our S. We are defining our S - certainly not respectful. We are having a narcisistic relationship through them - interacting with our projections, not another autonomous human. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, that's what happens between the affair partners. Practically defines the dysfunction in that relationship.
This is where the DB concept of "acting as if" comes into play. If we act as if we counter our personal drive to expect our spouse to treat us negatively (I think it's somewhat human nature to expect what's happened in the past, a way of seeing order - and therefore safety - in our world). If we act as if they will be happy to see us when we get home rather than annoyed, angry, indifferent, etc, then there is a higher likelyhood that they will be. Negativity is contagious, moreso than positivity, so to counter your own drive to expect the negative will allow for a higher likelyhood of positivity - in you both.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
True Muddle, we create what we want to create, whatever fits through our emotional screens. We concoct things that meet our mood and our comfort zone, negative or positive. It has nothing to do with reality! I have many times been 100% convinced about something my W has done and then find out I was way out in left field. Sure, my deductions were logical but then so are a hundred others. It's a cheeseless tunnel that's hard not to go down.
W has gone insane! Tonight she has driven both girls to their respective classes, my usual Friday night job. She phoned to ask me to heat up some left overs quickly and she'll grab them on her way by, she was out shopping with the girls this afternoon. When she arrived she told me to pick them up and I thanked her for doing what she was doing, she said "OK, you're welcome" Where the hell is my W? I'm kind of liking this new person though, I'm considering an A!
