Pushing it to the limit...still!

[MuddleThrough]

As far as respect, in a way it is respectful to ask for what you want BUT it is disrespectful to continue pushing for something when you know the other party is not interested in meeting those needs.

Here's where I have a little trouble with your thinking. Is it respectful to define her by her past feelings? She wasn't interested in meeting your needs in the past. But you don't know about right now, or the future. So YOU could be destroying your potential for connecting with her because you're interacting with your assumptions about her rather than with her directly. Is that respectful?

It's kind of like the guy in high school who would endlessly pursue some poor girl despite her lack of interest. Rarely would that ever result in something positive happening for the guy. I don't want to be that guy!

This image is a horrible one, isn't it. I know the feeling of being fearful of becoming this guy. It's exactly the image OT uses to deter people from being more in the relationship than their spouse. So how do you do this? You make the choice not to interact in this way not because of how she responds to your requests, but because you don't want to do this yourself. Defining yourself based on another person isn't a very respecful thing to do for yourself, but defining yourself because of your autonomous choice IS.

My W also comes from a culture which demands returns for favours. If I am always doing nice, caring things for her then her cultural background demands she return it yet right now she can't and that creates guilt, anger and sometimes hugging that isn't really desired.

This is her issue. How much power her cultural upbringing has over her is something that you shouldn't concern yourself with. If you, an autonomous person, ask someone, another autonomous person, for something and they choose to give it to you, does it matter what their motivation is? It's none of your business, really, and it's disrespectful to try and make judgements about this.

I always want to hug because I want to hold her and be held BUT is it getting me anywhere in my sitch?

It's helpful for deep limbic system health to be touched - for both of you. It's nurturing. It's closeness - that you are both CHOOSING.

Is it pushing her away and making her concentrate on how to push me away rather than looking at important things.

You can't address her issues - address yours. Be respectful - this is what your post said YOU wanted to do.

This is my dilema.

No dilema - be respectful and stay out of her head.

Last night was interesting, I returned from my Yoga class and she offered and brought me a bowl of soup she had just cooked, she made arrangement for the kids today as it is a day off for them (usually that is my job) and this morning I made everyone's lunch, as I usually do, and before I left I told her I'd made one (as I wasn't sure of her plans re lunch with D9 and she had been asleep)she said "THANKS FOR DOING THAT, but I was intending to take D9 out for lunch". I said "OK, I'll just stick it in the fridge". I wonder if there was a connection between my new actions of the previous night and what she did in response?

She is choosing to love you. She's choosing to offer thanks, nurture you and be a great mom. Not because you're doing something wrong or right, but because she's choosing it. You might ask her if she likes what you're doing though. That would be respectful.