I tried out my new theory tonight. It really is amazing when I see how many caring things I do in the course of an evening. You notice when you stop doing them! Tonight W came home at 7:45 I had put her dinner in the fridge and normally I would take it out and heat it for her while she got her coat off, not tonight. She heated her food came and sat in the living room with me (we did exchange pleasantries) and watched TV with me. Normally when the show was over I would go over and switch the station to the ethnic channel she likes, not tonight. She was rushing to eat because she was to go pick up D9, I would normally in such a situation ask if she would like me to pick up D (she usually says no anyway), not tonight. I went to clean the kitchen and found her lunchbag sitting there, normally I would put away the containers and the bag, not tonight. Wow, in the course of 45 minutes there were four considerate things I would normally do which I chose not to do. Interesting experiment. What shall I not do next, the night is young
I am curious, like Tom, to know if she even mentioned (or noticed) that you didn't do those things for her. Perhaps she has just got so used to you doing them that it doesn't even fizz on her whether you do or not. I can't imagine having a husband that would cater to me like that - what a dream!!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I have no idea what she noticed or didn't notice. She said three words to me last night and I continued to do some studying. She slept in the basement though. I have no idea why. Usually she does that when she's pissed at me or when she's up late and doesn't want to wake me by coming to bed late. So who really knows, she seemed pleasant enough this morning. I guess I'm also wondering whether this new strategy is smart right now. I'm trying to work on getting her to counselling with me so is this going to help or hinder that goal? In one way it reinforces that things cannot stay the same but on the other it may just piss her off? I'm not sure. We'll see how this one plays out. Thoughts anyone?
I don't really think that choosing not to act loving towards your W is accomplishing what you would like it to. You're trying to send a message, but it can be percieved as something completely different. Unless you make it very clear to her WHY you are not doing things it can and likely will be read as "Whatis is angry. He's lashing out at me". No wonder she's pissed and slept downstairs. Now on the other hand, if you said to her: "Honey, I feel like I do a lot for you and I am not getting my needs met in this relationship. This is a recipe for building a lot of resentment on both our parts, and in the interest of avoiding this, I have decided to stop doing for you until you are ready to discuss our expectations for our relationship going forward. I very much enjoy loving you in this way, and a big reason that I do is because you enjoy this too. I hope that we can come to an agreement about our relationship so that we can resume these mutually enjoyable interactions with a new balance." or something along these lines, the meaning of your actions would be clear. It comes across as passive aggressive and vindictive to me, and I have no doubt that someone that is motivated to see you in less than ideal light might see something even darker in it.
On the other hand, it no doubt is liberating to you to do this. I suggest you continue this, but take the vagueness or confusion out of it. Care for yourself with the energy you would have put into doing for her, but make it very clear why you are doing so.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
So sorry to hear about your friend. It's something you don't need right now, I know. As for your W's behavior, I would demand (in a nice way) to be respected like she would treat any other person in the street. I still get the same crap from my W at times, and she'll say that's just the way her character is (B.S.!!) I'm trying to gain more respectful words to come out of her mouth now that we are piecing our M, but I still feel that I am pulling most of the load, but she is trying.
By not giving in to her rudeness, she is noticing that she does not like the fact that you are standing up to her in a loving way. I see nothing wrong with this approach, and you deserve more respect from her. I have first hand experience and I can relate to your sitch a lot better now. Man, are you sure our W's don't know each other? Maybe they went to "How to demoralize and verbally abuse your H school"???
Sometimes I feel like telling my W "Thank you for yelling at me about that, I appreciate it" when she criticizes for no good reason but just because she feels like it. Hmm. I swear they have a screw loose somewhere...but what can we do? Love them!?!
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
I've been thinking about respect today (thanks for the repies btw!). I've been on the BB bitching about my W's lack of respect for me but today I've just realized that I have not been respecting her! She has told me that she does not want our relationship and I have not respected that. As I said previously, I'm constantly doing nice, caring things which serves to stick it in her face daily. Yes, I mean them as caring and loving gestures but is it respectful to keep doing things that are not asked for and, in fact, may actually be unhelpful to the sitch?
Last weekend I asked my W if we could hug in bed and she complied. We hugged for one hour. WTF was I thinking! Here is a woman who has told me she is not interested in me yet I persist in asking for affection!!! That must create resentment rather than affection. Here I am accusing her of being ME ME ME all the time and yet, I look at what I am doing and now wonder, am I any different? Despite what she's told me and shown me in her behaviour, I persist in doing what makes ME feel good, then martyr myself for being rejected. Yes, I'm the model husband, Mr. good guy which of course makes her the bad guy, how fair is that? I'm angry at myself tonight, I actually feel I owe her an apology! It's time to grow up here. So, any feedback on my revelation would be appreciated.
[quote] I'm angry at myself tonight, I actually feel I owe her an apology [/quote]
I can't believe you!! She treats you like crap and you beat up on yourself? Sorry, but I think you are doing as much as you possibly can to help this R along. She, on the other hand, is using you (IMHO) Sorry, but I can't stand the fact that these S of ours want it to be all US - WTF!!!! Who was the one having the A? HELLO ??????
I know R are two-way streets but there has to be the giving on BOTH sides, not one. If I was the one that had the A and "said" I was willing to work on the R, I would be bending over backwards in gratitude that my S was willing to forgive me and stick it out - give me a break.
You guys (referring to the males here) are dream S's compared to a lot of others and yet you keep beating yourselves up about what YOU didn't do. Take it easy on yourselves, will ya?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Quote: I persist in doing what makes ME feel good, then martyr myself for being rejected
Not very respectful if you ask me....Sorry just being upfront with you. It is one thing to do nice and caring things for someone but it is another to complain when you do not get the expected results....
Also, Someone posted something simliar in a away of an analogy of this same exact thing.....
I will see if I can dig it up....Really hits the spot here. It was oldtimer that posted it.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Also Whatisis, Have you ever let her miss the things that you do for her? I mean I know you have been at this for a long time but it seems like you are always trying to show her your love instead of trying to let her miss it for a while...Just a thought.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I'm trying to gain more respectful words to come out of her mouth now that we are piecing our M, but I still feel that I am pulling most of the load, but she is trying. 