Well, BR Dance II lesson 3 continued tonight. Learned the Samba tonight. It just occurred to me tonight that W treats me like she's alone when she's with me. She doesn't bother much with common courtesies that you partake in when you are with someone else. She doesn't try to converse or even respond when spoken to. It's like being a piece of furniture. Somehow she doesn't think she needs to bother treating me with common courtesy. I don't get it! OK, you don't love me but what has that got to do with treating a person with social courtesy? It's little things like for example, I offer her a piece of gum and the normal response would be "no thanks" but her response is "No". I get her coat for her and she says "I need my boots first" rather than "Oh thanks, but I need to get my boots first". Her tone is never grateful, it's always rather abrupt and rude. On the way home there is no conversation and I decided not to make any. She was a little miffed again because I checked a dance step with the instructor and found she was wrong! She's pissed because the dance isn't working but when I go and get some clarification she's pissed cuz she was wrong. That's life on the old dance floor tonight I guess this kind of struck me more than usual as I had just found out about the death of a friend an hour before the class. It brings you down somewhat, even though it was expected, but I carried on despite the news. It just doesn't make sense that W wants us to continue living in this arrangement but sees it as OK to treat me like furniture most of the time. At some point maybe its time for me to just not take the crap anymore. When she's rude, I tell her. Normally I only go to bat for the kids but maybe it's time to say "I demand some respect". I tend to let things go because she's so sensitive to any comments that say she is "wrong" or "not doing it properly" but I'm getting a little tired of the disrespectful crap. You know, I cook a nice Chinese meal and the kids say all sorts of nice things but there mother, who should appreciate it the most, says absolutely nothing. Would it kill her to once in a while say "I enjoyed that", who am I kidding, it probably would!!! Oh well, enough useless bitching. I'm tired, a little down due to the loss so it's time for bed. Btw, my friend was one of the bravest people I've ever known, she fought lung cancer with a vengeance. I'll miss her.
Yes...I think if you tell her how you both need to see where and what the future holds for your R - in a gentle way to her, reassuring that it's not an attack mode to her way of thinking...she will go. She's scared that she will be assessed as a person with irrational thoughts and that the counselor will "see" through her...you know that look.
By all means...say something to the effect of...you know, I really went out of my way to cook something special for the whole family, the kids enjoyed it and yet you cannot even respond with a simple courtesy that you liked it, hated it or felt more spices were needed. Why do you feel the need to treat me like I'm someone with whom you can't stand to even talk to...something along those lines. Whatis, you really need to address this with her - soon.
Keep prepping her to go with you to the counselor...
How about you go dancing with me - I would absolutely LOVE it if H would take me dancing. I have always liked it but he has two left feet. I have also thought about just joining something myself, but right now emotions are a little raw so I think it best to sit on that thought for a while. But I am seriously thinking about it (if there is anything close by - we live in a rather rural area)
And you cook too????? What I would give for someone to even make me a sandwich. I would be kissing them for a lifetime - lol
I don't care what she is going through - common courtesy is a MUST. I am sure she manages to apply it when she is talking to other people so why not you - the person she should be most grateful and courteous to. I just don't get it!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Thanks everybody! Sometimes I just let these little things get to me. It seems there's always something happening now that adds stress. My brother just lost his job, my Dad is still not well and then my friend passing away. I guess part of me just wants someone to give me a hug and, naturally, I'd like it from the person who has been my partner for 17 years. Maybe I can visualize it! I have tried to point out her behaviours in the past, it was one of my 180's, but it made no difference in fact it resulted in a lengthy letter (which she chose not to deliver, but I came across accidentally) saying how much she resents anyone expecting things from her. She said she has to deal with resistence and criticism at work and just wants to come home and not have to be caring, pleasant etc. It was really a sad letter, I keep a copy to remind me that there are issues deeper than just ME! I too can't figure how common basic courtesy is so difficult. I guess it's that old adage that you take things out on those you are closest to. Anyway, maybe I'll try being a little more demanding in that regard, I mean what's gonna happen, will she stop loving me LOL. There were some good things I've noticed over the past few weeks at our dance class. We are now adept enough that we can actually look at fine tuning things. I've noticed that we talk during the class and problem solve together certain moves that are giving us trouble. That is a baby step! yes, she still points out my mistakes (and never encourages) but we work together more often. That was one of my goals in taking this class was to have something we could learn and work at together. We'll see how that goes.
Again thanks everybody for listening to my whining, I needed to do it last night. No more "poor me" today or I'll break a 2 X 4 over my own head!!!
Whine away Whatisis - that's what we are here for (within reason that is )
As for the letter you came across, sorry but I have to disagree with you there. I don't care what her "reasons" are, there is absolutely no need for the rudeness she is putting out. Yes, we tend to take the worse out on the ones closest to us but all the time? I hardly think so.
Her saying she "resents" people expecting things from her is HER problem. Obviously she is not dealing with the issues when they arise. How you feel about other people is not their problem, its YOURS. If she feels like people expect things from her, she needs to take stock of how to change that. It is not your position to do that for her.
If she is having problems at work, wouldn't it be nice to be able to come home and vent to the person she is supposedly in love with? Heck, my H hears my whining, that you can be sure of. It's what we do. We need to vent and she's not doing it - good or bad. I can't help but think you are getting the crappy end of the stick here. I know you are doing everything in your power to help this R along but I have to say, she needs to get her act together and start contributing too. It can't all be one-sided.
(my opinion only of course)
Hang in there Whatisis - you definitely have a whole heck of a lot more patience than me.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, I think the issue with common courtesy and my W is one that I’ve tended put on the backburner. When DBing one must focus your energy on the goals you’ve decided on. If we go after every issue that gets tossed at us by the S we will be exhausted and disillusioned at all the losses! This issue was one that sits in the back of my mind and pokes its way out periodically. As I said before, I once did begin addressing her behaviours not too long ago and it just seemed to make her more agitated so I dropped it and chose to ignore instead. Right now, I think I’ll stay focused on trying to get her to come to counseling. If I start pushing the courtesy button it may actually give her something else to ruminate about and take the focus off that decision. If she is not willing to go for counseling then I will address this and other strategies with my therapist. Again, I believe a plan is a must in staying motivated, focused and achieving small victories, at present I do not have this!
So, rest assured I do not excuse her lack of courtesy because, you are correct, her issues are her issues. I may just stop doing some of the small things that invite those kind of responses like getting her coat, offering gum, opening the car door etc. Give her less room to exercise those negative behaviours without openly confronting and angering her. It will be difficult as I am by nature a respectful and caring person but if it ain’t working stop doing it, try something new! We’ll see. Thanks for your thoughts, your caring support is greatly appreciated.
PS. I think I should clear up the impression I may have given that she is rude and insensitive all the time, that is not the case. But it is often enough that it is noticable at times and even my 9 year old commented on it to her once, that cracked me up! Much of the time she is distant and doesn't bother with niceties but she does thank me for things at times. So, I just want to be fair here and correct the record!
Correct the record all you want Whatisis, the fact still remains - if a kid notices it, you can be well assured there are a heck of a lot of other people around her noticing it too (and not just you)
But, like you said, be grateful for the small stuff right? Unfortunately, sometimes the small stuff isn't enough to keep us there. As much as I go up and down dozens of times throughout any given day, I have to admit, there are lots of little things my H does that picks me up - for instance, there are times he is coming home from work and passes by where I work (about a half an hour drive from home) and he will stop in and bring me a tea. Sometimes he stays, sometimes he doesn't. The fact remains that he took the time to consider me - that's what counts.
I have to start looking at those little things more and stop dwelling on the big stuff that drove us apart. Its the little things in life that will bring us back together.
Hang in there bud - you are a wonderful person (I can tell just by your postings) and you will be rewarded eventually (with or without her)
Take care
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Correct the record all you want Whatisis, the fact still remains - if a kid notices it, you can be well assured there are a heck of a lot of other people around her noticing it too (and not just you)
But, like you said, be grateful for the small stuff right? Unfortunately, sometimes the small stuff isn't enough to keep us there. As much as I go up and down dozens of times throughout any given day, I have to admit, there are lots of little things my H does that picks me up - for instance, there are times he is coming home from work and passes by where I work (about a half an hour drive from home) and he will stop in and bring me a tea. Sometimes he stays, sometimes he doesn't. The fact remains that he took the time to consider me - that's what counts.
I have to start looking at those little things more and stop dwelling on the big stuff that drove us apart. Its the little things in life that will bring us back together.
Hang in there bud - you are a wonderful person (I can tell just by your postings) and you will be rewarded eventually (with or without her) - and like you said, the counselling would be the bigger of the two "steps"
Take care
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The small things, yes! I started thinking about what things she has done recently to show caring and actually came up with a few! Last week, when it was icy out, she called to me upon leaving to "please, drive carefully, it's very icy out there" , she asked me if I would like another blanket on my side of the bed because she found it rather chilly at night. She then folded it out onto my bed for me, she brought me soup that she had cooked, she stayed home on Sat night because I had made plans for myself (no grouching). So, I guess there are some small things to keep tabs on and recognize. I also had some thoughts about the rudeness and wonder whether every time I do something "caring" am I sticking the marital situation in her face? When someone is constantly saying, not in words but..., "I care, I care, I care..." it can become rather annoying and a constant reminder of what is not there right now for her. Maybe I should seriously look at toning it down and giving her space. It would be hard to do but it may be a viable option to consider. I'll ponder it some more.
I guess this kind of struck me more than usual as I had just found out about the death of a friend an hour before the class. It brings you down somewhat, even though it was expected, but I carried on despite the news. It just doesn't make sense that W wants us to continue living in this arrangement but sees it as OK to treat me like furniture most of the time. At some point maybe its time for me to just not take the crap anymore. When she's rude, I tell her. Normally I only go to bat for the kids but maybe it's time to say "I demand some respect". I tend to let things go because she's so sensitive to any comments that say she is "wrong" or "not doing it properly" but I'm getting a little tired of the disrespectful crap. You know, I cook a nice Chinese meal and the kids say all sorts of nice things but there mother, who should appreciate it the most, says absolutely nothing. Would it kill her to once in a while say "I enjoyed that", who am I kidding, it probably would!!!