Have you sat down with your W and had a discussion about the values you want your girls to live by? If you set up a code that you both agree on then you can hold each other accountable to ensure that your actions are demonstrative of this code. This way it's not just a matter of personal opinion ("I don't really agree with telling them not to tell") but it's a matter of doing your best to uphold the values ("telling the girls not to tell would go against the value of honesty that we are trying to instill in them").
Furthermore, coming to agreement on values will allow both of you to grow in the same direction as people because you are agreeing to share the same values. The best way to teach children is to model behavior.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Muddle, actually our values are pretty much in synch (except the one about cheating on your spouse!) and on the whole we do a good job of being consistent. Probably the thing to sit down and discuss is how we're going to deal with the challenges of our D moving into the teenage years. Discussing this will allow us to deal with anger, discipline, encouragement , how to support each other and how we can work together in this regards. I think that would less of a "I'm right and you're wrong" kind of talk and it would cover all the problem areas. I thinkt to discuss "values" right now would be seen as another indication to my W that, once again, SHE is the one with the problem and you better believe she would shove that in my face, too. So those are my thoughts for now. Tonight she was in an awsome mood, it was older D's birthday and we had an enjoyable family evening. D wanted a McDonalds dinner, great fare for a vegetarian, I must say But tonight we were a loving family celebrating a special event. We must be thankful for every one of those. Thanks for dropping by!
THAT was an inspiring post! I'm glad to see that you had a very good day with your D's B-day! This is what we are trying to achieve every single day with our sitches, but the days that are good are the ones that we are thankful for, definitely!
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
OK, it's time for a daughter story. This happened last night, W had cooked and I set table with D. I got W a glass of water and then noticed W already had one, I said "Oh, I was just getting you a glass but you already have one" W says bruskly "I already have one". D says "that's OK Daddy I will take it and for Mommy I will say "thank you for thinking of me". Ahh, out of the mouths of babes! D9 is now commenting on W's lack of manners, I love it.
Hey, I've got one more! In this one I'm the student. For D12's BD she wanted a McDonald's meal so D9 and I went to get it. On the way home I say "Hey, there's a basketball game on tonite, want to watch it with me?" D9 loves basketball. She says "I would but it's D12's BD so I'll let her decide what to watch" and I replied "Don't worry about it she'll be in front of the computer" D9 says "You may be right Daddy but you should never assume what another person is going to do" God, maybe me and my W shoudl go to D9 for counselling, I think she's way ahead of many far older than herself! I'm sure she'll take referrals if anyone is interested
In the book, "The Four Agreements" one of them is "never assume". I have been trying to apply that one in particular to my sitch but it is not the easiest thing to do in the world.
It's an awesome book (very small - light reading) but the impact of what the author says is pretty hard to put into practice.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, the "never assume" thing is indeed a toughie! I can remember a few times recently when I would have staked my life on something I believed to be so re my W's actions and, guess what, I was wrong every time. I think the problem is that we see things through our emotional screens, we take facts and warp them into whatever fits our frame of mind at the time. This is exactly what our S's do to us too. Much of their memories about the M are based on their own emotional screens which no more reflect reality than our own do! That's why we hear these incredible statements like "I don't think I ever loved you", "we should never have gotten married", "I was never happy in this R"...it's all people's emotional screens. Then we sit there remembering all the good times cuz that's what we want to look at. Assumptions are one of the best ways to blow things big time. When we act on assumption mistaking it for fact, we mess up. So, it's best not to go there! I thank D9 for that reminder.
- Be impeccable with your words (i.e. speak with integrity and only say what you mean) - Always do your best (under the circumstance at the time) - Don't take anything personally (another biggee - what others say are their own opinion, not reality)
It is a VERY good book and I keep it with me all the time to refer to (especially these days)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
But tonight we were a loving family celebrating a special event. We must be thankful for every one of those. Thanks for dropping by! 