Pushing it to the limit...still!

[MuddleThrough]

My W really is depressed and disinterested in anything but her job right now, she tries to stay connected with her family but, yes, my job is to try and connect with her in ways that are valid to her.

No trying Whatis, doing. Don't give yourself an out - recognize when you do connect (which I'm sure you do daily), recognize what you're doing and exploit this. If she's interested in her job then try to understand how she feels about it. Listen to her talk and recognize the feeling part. Repeat this back. Feel what she's feeling, not why, not by trying to understand the events leading to the feelings but feel her feelings. Validate them. Share her experience.

I talked with a friend this morning and he pointed out that when I say to W "Is there anything you need" I'm saying she is "needy", pointing out her percieved inadaquacy. I'm also stating the I can fix it if she wants me to. He suggested I just say "would you like to talk" period.

I think if you go into a situation expecting her to be desirous of connecting (which I believe we all are), then there is no point in asking that question. I think you're right about not asking her if there's anything she needs because it makes it clear that you're looking to focus on solving a problem. No connecting in that. Focus on relating, not being functional to her. She needs to know that you think her feelings are valid and relevant. She needs to know that you see her as whole and complete, not a piece of work that needs some serious fixing.

I think his point is quite perceptive and worth a try. When I say "Is there anything I can do for you" I am again saying that "I" can take care of her, not helpful.

If you take the time to understand her feelings in the moment you ARE saying this through your actions. You're not just posturing, you're really doing it. And she'll be receptive to it. She'll feel connected and she'll be far more willing to come out and ask for your help if she does have a problem that she wants your help in solving. Recognize her autonomy.

The other thing I noticed about last night was that I did change something and got a different response. Instead of carrying on about my brothers situation despite her lack of visible interest, I stopped and left the room. Later she came to me to ask if I would like to finish the story. I pulled back, she approached me. That is a change. Little things matter.

See? She wants to connect. She does care about you and for you. Now, what was it about how your were sharing initially that you can change in order to keep her interest? Were you conveying factual information? If you were, perhaps preceeding your fact you made a statement about your feelings relative to that fact: "I felt so alone when they moved him down the hall." Also, did you communicate to your W how you felt about her "lack of visible interest"? Or did you just react by walking away?