Pushing it to the limit...still!

[MuddleThrough]

Often my tone here is one I reserve for here. It may give the wrong impression of how I view my W and our R.

I understand your point, but you are practicing a view point that is detrimental to your relationship. It makes you an outsider on your R because you are nurturing a part of yourself that you don't want to see interacting with your W. Get my point?

There are many good things in our R and how I connect with her, again, is worthy of some consideration.

Clearly there is reason she's still there. Clearly there is reason that you're still there. But you're not working together as a team for a reason. You are both choosing this, not just your W.

Much of the time she doesn't allow connection.

I think people are always looking to connect. I think if you go into situations with this perspective you will see this. You are defensively casting an image of her in your mind that you mold to according to your expectations. You then interact with this image - not with her. You seek to understand her for self-gratifying reasons, in order to fine tune this mold so you don't get hurt - not to truly understand her.

That rare laugh we shared at BR dance last night caught me off guard, it felt really nice...we were connected but she pushes that away most of the time. I don't push re connecting with her too much cuz it gets discouraging and I think I've basically stopped right now.

Interesting language you use here - because you talk about pushing, which requires a connection. I think it's important to look to any interaction as connection, something YOU are likely shutting down because of your defensiveness, or for some other reason that's entirely your own issue. You talk about pushing regarding connecting - I don't think this is something you can push to do - this implies that you are looking to connecting to provide you with some deep insight into your W. I think if you aim to share you will find that it requires little to no pushing and it's mutually beneficial. Because you want to connect as well. Not as a helper, not as a patient, but as a person. You and your W have the same wants and needs. You are equals.

I am pleasant and approachable but I'm kind of sick of getting brushed aside, it's frustrating, so I don't give her the opportunity much. When you try to share something in your life and this person grunts and walks away, well, that says "I'm not interested in your life".

You are pleasant and approachable, yet immediately - in the same sentence - you talk about reacting defensively. Do you think this is a part of this pleasant and approachable posturing? Do you share your feelings rather than just try and be nice? Do you tell your W when she tells you that she's not interested in your life how you feel as a result? I think this is critical. You need to express yourself in emotional terms, share your feelings, own your feelings. Respond to her when she shares her feelings with you. She does it quite often and it seems that rather than try and understand them you judge them. For some reason you are maintaining a distance from her, you are finding subtle ways to make something that you think NEEDS to be true real - that she's somehow not your equal because of what she's doing, that she's flawed. Your belief that this is true is more dear to you than doing what's best for your relationship. I think you need to look deep inside and find the reason for this - what are you protecting? What is making you defensive? Are there flaws in you that you're afraid are being exposed? You are no more flawed than your W is. In fact, I think the idea of flaws in people is almost absurd - it's like defining people as good and bad. You are not either, but your actions are. You define yourself however you do, but allow your wife to define herself. It seems to me that you are defining your wife in ways that cut short sharing and connection.

As 1210 says this is why I have decided to see the SF counsellor because there may be things I can do that I am just overlooking. I also get angry when I see the person I love driving herself into depression, she knows that is what is happening but doing it anyway. She does nothing about it except let OP soothe her emotional needs, that's apparently her job!

I think it's great that you are seeing a counselor. It will help you without question.

So, I guess, I let it out here. Anyway, next week is my first session and we'll see how it goes.

Don't stop posting - please, but I think you should question your part in connecting with your wife. I think you try but the way you try seems not to be working. I think that we need to have a consistant view on our marriage in order to be truly invested in it. I think that one of the ways we undermine our marriage severely is to gossip and complain about our spouses behind their back. This is because it gets us in the habit of disrespecting them. Our overall level of respect drops and then we are disresepcting them to their face in less than subtle ways in no time. There's still plenty that can be done, and this is only my opinion that's clouded by my own experience. I wish you well. Keep us posted.