I am so hurt

[Ashyah]

I have been separated from husband for 10 months he has made no attempt to contact me.
Lately I have been very lonely.
I tried not to call him but, today I broke down.
I called him and asked him if he would lovemaking with me? He said no thanks. I said what am I supposed to do. He said just like me nothing. Then we said goodbye.
Part of me is trying to justify by thinking at least I called on my husband and didn't go to some stranger. But, I could just kick myself.

[Matilda2]

So sorry you are hurting! Is this your first post or just a new "thread"? You might get more feedback over in Newcomers. There are lots of wonderful people who can give you good advice.

If you haven't already posted this somewhere else I have a couple questions: How long were you married before the separation? Do you know what caused the separation? Have you read DivorceBusting? It's always a good place to start.

Matilda

[Ashyah]

I have posted before.
We have been married for 22 years.
There is no other woman or man.
I left him because he was sleeping in different bedroom. Left me alone in evenings to go sit with an older friend.
He didn't want to be in same room. If I was in a room at house he wouldn't go in there. If I entered he left.

[Matilda2]

I'll try to find your other posts so I can better understand how you are feeling. Hopefully some other people will chime in. I just have found the Newcomers section to be more active with responses. It will be a while before I can spend more time on the computer.

[princess_nic]

Ashyah,

Many of us have tried to help you, but you tend to disappear and/or start new threads as soon as someone disagrees with you. You say you want your marriage, even though it seems it was abusive, yet you change nothing. What do you want to get out of this bb?

Nicola

[Ashyah]

I am not starting new threads as soon as someone disagrees with me. I just forget have you ever been depressed?
And how else can I change? I told my husband that I wanted to lay the problems down and start anew. He said if I wanted to go back home I would have to be a roomate to the people he has living with him.
I have invited him to dinner he said yes then didn't show up.
I needed him to fix my car I gave him money to fix it he spent the money.
What do you think of that?
I gave him a christmas present he opened it said nothing. I hugged him he just stood there with a blank look on his face.
What else can I do?
I am just not do anything else and if he wants me he can make the contact now.
How much more can I try?

[princess_nic]

Ashyah,

Yes, I have been depressed, and I know that you are, too. You MUST do something about that, and it doesn't involve getting your husband back. It is about YOU and getting the help YOU need. I know you probably think I sound harsh and unsympathetic. The truth is, I am frustrated. You are NOT taking care of youself, and until you do, you cannot work on your marriage.

Ashyah, is this not the man who told you that you were not good enough even to eat dog $hit, when you had no money? Do you really think that having contact with him and working so hard at saving your M is helping you?

I know that you are a Christian and you believe that marriage is forever. I'm not saying go out and file for D. But this has been going on for a long time now. Do you even want to be with this man? Look at what you've written just here:

he said yes then didn't show up.

him money to fix it he spent the money.

What do you think of that?

Not that I think you really want to know, but I (and others who have posted to you) think that it's horrible behaviour and you're better of w/o him.

He is not with you right now. Whether or not you get back together is in God's hands. Now is your chance to be on your own and heal. Have you seen a doctor about your depression? Are you on meds? Are they working? Are you getting any professional counselling? Church organizations will often do that for free or at a low cost.

Please, do yourself a big favour and just forget about your husband for now. You are more important.

~ Nicola

[princess_nic]

Here is a link to your first thread:

First thread

There are a lot more, but this gives some good background. You don't seem to have moved forward at all from last August. What have you done to help YOURSELF? Not to get your M back, but for YOU?

[Ashyah]

Nicola those two last replies from you are right correct.
One thing that helps me a lot is to not go by the house. But, my son lives there has no transportation. Even though I tell him that I don't want to go over there. I still pick him up or drop him off. And I see and it hurts.
I am waiting for a therapist to return a call to set up meetings. I know that I need help. I spent over 20 years in that situation. Need to work on self esteem and for stronger me. I give too much.

I have let go of some of my guilt feelings. I know now that my leaving was justified. That is one thing that I have healed from. Need to work on rest.

When you are with an abusive person even if it is emotional they have day by day killed your spirit.

Also, I laugh more. That was a deep desire of mine.

I will be ok. Most of my days I am alright. Actually when I post on here is when I really feel bad.

I thank you all for your advise.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I haven't read your threads, but just wanted to say, yes please listen to Nicola, and take care of yourself foremost.

I also learned the hard way, that you can't take care of anyone else, unless you take care of yourself first.

Keeping a healthy diet will also help with Depression, along with getting outside and being in the sunlight more often. That is why a lot of people have seasonal depression, we have less sunlight during the Winter.

Also, during these times that we are changing ourselves, we cannot expect anything from our H's. I would also recommend not asking him for anything, as you've already discovered he won't help you, and you must become strong enough to not care what he does, or what he is thinking and so on. Don't let him have control of your happiness. You are the one who makes you happy, not him.

God has a plan for you, and if I read right, that you are a christian? As a christian, you must have faith that God knows the best way for you, and to trust in him. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."