I’m doing pretty well today. I’m remembering that this all will take time. I’m working on patience. I’m taking hope from the small positives, the support of friends, and goodness and beauty that is around me.
I think that my W and I have a good chance of rebuilding this M. I’m hopeful, but not, or trying not, to have expectations. The key is patience. It won’t happen as fast as I would like. It probably should take time, so we can rebuild carefully and correctly. I need the time, probably, as much as she does. It hurts sometimes to not have what I desire, but I can handle it.
I still think a lot about why this happened, and what she is thinking and feeling. I don’t obsess the way I did before about it, but I do think about it. I’d love to understand. Of course, if she doesn’t understand herself, I probably won’t be able to either.
Could it be that small things over time build up until they seem huge? Could it be that a small lack of appreciation over many years builds resentment and kills love? If it took years of small negatives to come to this point, it makes sense to think that it will take years (not too many, please!) to repair the damage.
It could be that. It could also be MLC. It could be it has very little to do with me and everything to do with her and how she feels. Is there a way to know if it’s MLC? Of course, it could be a combination of factors, including MLC. Either way, or any way, she and I are on our journeys and there is the potential of a more rewarding, fulfilling life on the other side of this darkness.
Although I’m optimistic in many ways, I realize that there may be, and most assuredly will be, more ‘bombs’ (hopefully really small ones) and bad times. I’ve read and seen others go up and down, even when the sitch is improved and improving. I would like to know what the minibombs will be so I can prepare for them. I can guess at some, but don’t know if they will really happen or not. I think the only way I can prepare is to keep building myself and my inner strength so that whatever happens, I can survive it.
I talked with a friend last night who has gone through something similar to my sitch (there are far too many of us). She said that although she said she forgave her partner early and often, it didn’t really become real until one morning when she woke up and just knew and felt that she had really forgiven, and that it freed her to live her life the way she wanted to. One of the bombs that will come is when the sitch gets to the point that I can let my guard down a little, and the fear, anger, resentment and other negative feelings come rushing in. I’ll have to be prepared to deal with those feelings in a constructive way and not allow them to ruin any progress that had been made to that point. At least that pitfall I can see coming and prepare for. It’s the “unknown unknowns” that worry me.
Hope you all are doing well.
M45, W4,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06
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