I’ll start with the sad stuff, so I can end on a higher note.
I woke feeling pretty good. I had a good morning. Then my best friend invited me to dinner tonight and I could really use a night out with someone who enjoys my company. I called my W to tell her my plans and let her know I wouldn’t be home for dinner. When I called, the phone went immediately to voice mail. This usually means that she is on line using the dial up modem. This always makes me think she is on line with OM. It shouldn’t. It doesn’t really make sense. She could use the DSL upstairs and email or chat with him. But I guess the modem and her use of the internet are triggers for me. I stopped my unproductive thinking, but felt a little down after that. She called me back not long after my message. She sounded tired, and because of my paranoia, guilty. Again, it was pretty stupid thinking on my part. It’s hard to get over the A and jealousy when she won’t share or talk with me much at all. Still, the affect was really rather small. The fact that she doesn’t sound happy to hear from me always saddens me a little too. But, I’m bouncing back. Telling someone, writing it here, helps to the negative out of my system.
Yesterday was MC and a Communications class for me and W. I love those days because my W actually talks. She talks to me, a little, and to he MC a little. She has never been a communicator, and in the current sitch she is even worse, so counseling night is a real thrill for me. Last night was good for me overall because there was some communication. But, keeping with my plan to start with the negative, some things were said by her during C that hurt a bit.
The MC started to push her to open up, and I think he felt we should be ready to really start addressing some issues and therefore get closer; i.e. start working on building some intimacy. When MC asked point blank the question I’ve wanted to ask, namely “do you want to be closer to your husband” she said No. Ouch. The MC backed off. I guess that means I should too.
The good news is that she didn’t say she knew she never wanted to be close to me again. The good news is we talked after the session and she said we are a long way from talking D. The good news is she did talk and express some of her feelings. I feel (though I’m not expecting) that she will not leave me or the kids any time soon. If she does, I’m as prepared as I can be. I’d keep doing what I’m doing now. It would hurt, but I’d survive and I know I’d eventually come out better than how I went in.
I’ve learned from my experience and from many on these boards, that the tears of a WAW are usually tears of guilt and not of love. My W cried a lot last night. I did, but not much. I think I am learning detachment, and loving detachment at that. My W is obviously in pain (although sometimes I think she is totally calm and feels nothing at all. I guess she hides her feelings well. Not too surprising). I want to help her, but I know I can’t. I know she has to decide for herself. Of course, I have the answers ;, but she will have to find her own.
An issue she has that I did try to help her with was her feeling of being dependant on me (which she doesn’t like. She has a very strong desire for independence (d’uh)). She’s not working. My new job and loss of my Naval reserve pay has really strapped us for cash. But, I figured we could cash in our mutual fund and she could take half and use it however she wanted. She doesn’t have to be dependant on me. We could work that out. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but she kept saying that she didn’t want to do that to US. Maybe she only means the kids, but I like to think I was included in that US. It’s one of the very few times I’ve heard her talk about us at all.
Another positive, from my perspective, during MC was he asked me how I was doing and I said pretty well; that I’ve learned not to talk too much, to be more patient, to not seek her approval for everything, or even most things, and finding things to make me happy. My wife agreed (with a twinge of sadness) that I don’t talk as much. So all the beatings I’ve received here seem to be working.
To summarize, I’m learning patience, detachment, and how to work on myself. She doesn’t want to work on being closer to me, but does not rule out that she may want to in the future. I’ve got more to spew onto the page, but I’m going to stop here to keep it (almost) short enough that someone may read.
M45, W4,S15, D10,
Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06
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;, but she will have to find her own. 