Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Journaling January 17, 2007
HEY! I went a whole day without posting to my own thread! I think that’s a healthy sign. (oops, I did post yesterday)

But, I’m back! Had some thoughts I needed to get out there, and I hope get input on.

As usual, my revelations came to me in the early morning. I had 2 today.

The first is that maybe, during my M, I had come to see my W as a ‘role’ instead of a person. She was a mother, cook, driver, etc., and had stopped being another person in her own right to me. Of course, I think I had started thinking of myself as the roles I perform too, and not as a person either. But I think I felt more this way toward my W than me.

What does that mean? What should I do with that thought? How should it change my behavior and even my perception? I’m not sure. All of those roles still need to be done, and should be done well. She is doing those roles now and is doing a good job. And, at the current state of our relationship, how do I show I value her as a person? I can’t just say it, although that seems the right way to me. I need to find actions and SHOW that I see her as a person. This is related to a way earlier revelation I had, about taking her for granted. How do I show I appreciate her, since I can’t say it, I can’t say ILY, I can’t buy her gifts (because she would see a gift as a way to induce her into an R with me, maybe). I say thank you a lot. I’ve tried to do the roles, chores for her, but that makes her feel like she isn’t part of the family and not involved. So I’m a little stumped as to how to express appreciation and how to acknowledge that she is a person. Help?

The second revelation is that our R is very, eerily, similar to the way it was before she left. We make a pretty good team; take care of business, the kids, the house, but the affection and intimacy is missing. The biggest differences now are that we don’t sleep together, have less contact, have acknowledged that there is a problem, and going to counseling. I know I need to change, and I’m starting to get that the change doesn’t have to be huge and immediately influential, but I’m having difficulty thinking of what to change and how. See the first point above. I’ve realized some of my failings but don’t feel I can show I’ve changed b/c of the current state of the R.

I can hear TL and GH as I think my next lines. I’m still to concerned with what she will think of the changes and how it will affect W. I’m still looking for the pay off (1. change action 2. W impressed 3. R is fixed). And that is true. But I do have more perspective and detachment than I did before.

The changes I have in mind are for me. Joining the church I’ve picked is for me. I hope my family, all of it, will join me later, but I’m doing it for me. Detaching and learning my boundaries is for me. Spending more time and appreciating that time with the kids is for me. Fixing our financial situation is for all of us, but I’m enjoying the work. A big change I still haven’t fully implemented is putting more of myself into my work.

But maybe my W and I are at a place that I can start thinking of improvements to the M/R too. Maybe I can start using some of the techniques in DR and DB books, like 180s, As If, Goals (for the R), knowing and asking for what you want, etc. Maybe more dates, more time together having fun, is what is called for.

I love my W. I had the realization last evening that I can choose to find someone else, or be on my own, but I like her. If I were dating and looking, I would choose her. I need to continue to work on me and get my stuff in one sock, but I would like to work on R too.

I think the bottom line might be that I need to be patient. Patience is hard when my W and I seem to get along and it seems to me that if she were willing, we could really make progress and have a fantastic R. It will come, whatever it is. I’ve schedules an appointment with a PC (personal C? is that who we abbreviate it here?), but it’s not until February. I wish it were now (patience!).

I’m feeling very talkative now, but this is plenty long. I’d really like some perspective on this. Hope to hear form someone soon. Thanks.