This idea has been posted by me and many others but it's time to do it again for your sake, and in response to...
Quote: One thing that shook me about our talk last night, was how my detachment started to fade. I was doing well. If she would have left me alone for a few more days, I think I would have had it down much better.
Detaching is not a negative thing. I suppose it could be seen/taken as such but what it really represents is a more evolved way to be in a relationship.
I was reading a book recently (The Lion's Game by Demille) where two characters/lovers are going through their day and at some point she gets upset about something. Now, the "attached" mate would react to that. He would get upset right along with her for a variety of reasons. A) Because he caused her be upset B) Simply because she is upset and he doesn't think she should be C) For him NOT to be upset would reflect the fact that he didn't "sympathize" with her mood D) All of the above.
In the book, the man simply shrugged and went on about his business as if nothing happened. It wasn't portrayed that he didn't care but rather that his mood did NOT need to reflect hers in order for him to be loving. He could BE his own person and when she decided to talk to him about it, she would...or not. The way the book told this anecdote was really powerful to me because I thought about how I would have reacted and I knew that it would be FAR from how the character in the book did but when I read that (albeit fiction mind you), I really saw a powerful example of how it COULD be done.
Detachment is, yes, about shutting off certain feelings, but more than that...really, BEYOND that, it's about learning how to be your own person and still be physically, emotionally and spiritually close to another person. It's about learning how to not be swallowed whole by a relationship.
Detachment, it the context I think of it in is much more about being loving enough towards your spouse not to burden them with your emotional reaction to what is already probably a bad emotional time for them. It's about giving them the respect/space to come to you if they need help and not thinking you need to fix them all the time.
That's why you see it said as "LOVING detachment" a lot of times, i.e. I love you enough to respect your feelings, your state of mind without automatically assuming I am the cause or the solution to whatever you are going through at the moment. I will be there for you if you need me, but I will not force myself into the situation.
It's not about being oblivious or unkind, it's about being 100% secure in your own emotion state of being that you don't need to adopt the state of being of your spouse just because it seems like the right thing to do at the moment.
I know first hand, when I have been able to remain detached in certain situations and NOT react like I used to, my W eventually opens up, or solves her own problem, etc, but ALWAYS recognizes what I did/didn't do and thanks me.
So, don't allow your detachment to "fade" as if it's some kind of tool (like she thinks it is) to get you past the bad times. Grow your ability to detach and use it as a tool to allow you to be CLOSER to your wife and still maintain that which she probably values the most...YOU.
