Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Tempted to call, contact, a girl I used to work with who could be a friend, or more than a friend. She would, might, give me the affection I’m craving. It’s not hard to resist the temptation, but it is tempting. Luckily, she’s crazy and I know she would be really bad for me.


Good morning, a little journaling for today, to help me think things through and get it off my chest.

My best friend's girl friend of 4 years just dropped the bomb on him. He has been a huge support for me. She was starting to be. Now I’m trying to support him too.

His sitch is quite a bit different, and there is much hope for him, but he is facing many of the same problems. She is recently (2+ yrs?) divorced form an abusive, drug addict. She needs to re-establish her own sense of self and her boundaries. Even though she really likes (loves) my friend, she needs to simplify her life, and find herself. So they split up. He understands and he is setting boundaries. He has insisted, nicely, that she move all her stuff out of his apartment. He will not call or contact her. But, he has told her the door is always open if she changes her mind.

I feel that his actions make sense. In many ways, I’d like to do the same. It is really hard sometimes to live with the woman I love and who doesn’t love me. Sometimes I think it would be better if we were physically separated. If it were possible, I might suggest it to her. I will not leave the house or the kids. She will not leave the kids again. We don’t have the money to operate 2 households, so we will stay separated in the same house for now. But it does make sense on some level to really separate if she doesn’t know if she wants a R with me or not. What do you all think?

Weekends can be a little tough. Spending more time together makes me miss the affection and love more than when I have work to distract me. I miss expressing my love and affection as much as I miss her showing me love and affection.

I’m tempted to call or contact a girl I used to work with. She has been a friend. I think she could be a friend, and maybe more. That’s why I don’t contact her, but I am tempted. I think she would give me the affection I’m missing. Better to admit it here than really do it, right?

I’ve been thinking more about goals, and I’m trying to get rid of the idea that there is one or two wonderful, big, changes I can make that will make me happy and impress my W. Small changes are OK. It doesn’t matter if my W notices or is impressed, although I’d like it if she were. Most importantly, these changes are going to take a long time and I need to be patient. The only change that has come quickly is losing weight ( I need to start eating more!).

One change I’m going to make is join a local church. I want to feed my spiritual side and I want to feel part of a community. I want the opportunity to volunteer and make a difference. I want to be a better example for my kids. I’ve visited a church and picked the one I’m interested in, but didn’t get to attend a service because I went to the support of my friend. Next Sunday, I’ll be there. I’m looking forward to this, but I don’t want to wait. This church also has some good youth programs that I think my kids will enjoy.

My plan now is to set goals, and work on making them happen; develop more detachment and patience; continue to give her space to figure things out for herself (although she seems pretty sure about things lately). Any suggestions on what else I should or could do, or do better?

Speaking of my W’s new found confidence, I’m not sure how to take it. She has started to make slightly snide remarks to me. I feel she is judging me and my actions, and that I may not be living up to her expectations. I feel she needs to put me down to build herself up a little. I brush these comments off and don’t take the bait to fight or argue over it. I also try not to care if she is judging me. Largely, I think I’m successful. And I remember that apathy is the opposite of love. If she really didn’t care, I don’t think she would make the comments. Although, I’m probably reading way to much into her comments and the possible motives behind them. Best to let them go, focus on my and what I can control and change. That’s long enough for today, don’t you think?