Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Journaling this morning, reviewing last nights R talk!

With the start of my new found detachment, I’ve been having some good days. I felt I was dealing with the sitch well, being a good father, good friend, and good person. I even enjoy myself at times. I was thinking that it was getting easier at home, that there was less tension and my W and I were slowly becoming friends again. So last night, after putting the kids to bed, I was kind of surprised.

I could tell me W wasn’t happy. I try to give her plenty of alone time with D10 at bed time. I try not to come into the room, and I wait until W is done before I go in to tuck in my D and tell her goodnight. Because I needed to take care of something, I interrupted them to say a quick goodnight and go take care of my business. W seemed peeved. I thought it was because of the interruption and the way my D said “I love you” and hugged me that made her angry. But, with my new sense of detachment, I figured it was her issue to deal with. I shouldn’t feel bad about what I had to do, or for wanting to say goodnight to my D, and I went to bed.

Main topic of the talk
I was reading in bed when my W came up. She wanted to discuss why she was upset instead of letting it fester. I give her credit for doing that. In our past, I think she would always keep it inside. She was upset because she felt jealous that I get to be the last one to say goodnight to D, I get to tuck her in, I go to her at night if she needs anything. She feels she is being punished. I don’t know what she feels exactly; that she is mad at me, that she is mad at the situation, that it just makes her feel bad? I asked her who was punishing her, and told her she isn’t being punished. I said I understood how she feels, that I would probably feel the same way. I tried hard not to try to solve the problem.

DBing
This is when it got weird, or harder for me. She said she’s been reading DB, and that I’m DBing her. See, when she first came back, and said she loved me and wanted to make it work, I gave her the book and talked to her about it. She said she has been reading it. She said that maybe she had been DBing for the last 3 years, and that it hadn’t worked. I tried to obfuscate. I said I didn’t really like the DB books. Then I felt bad for saying that and said that it didn’t matter what she thought. I could read what I want and believe what I want. She couldn’t tell me what I was thinking or doing. If she wanted to know what I thought or felt, she could ask me and I’d tell her. She agreed. At another point in the talk, she mentioned she wasn’t an alien, and that she hadn’t changed. She thought I thought she had changed, but she hadn’t. I said I didn’t have a clue what she thought or felt. I’d accept that she had not changed, which meant the only real change is how she felt about me (ouch).

Her discussing aliens and DB made me wonder if she has snooped on me. I wonder if she opened my nightstand drawer and saw the DR book, as well as the books by Gottman (7 principles) and some notes I had taken. I wonder if she is reading my posts here. That’s a little unnerving. There was some evidence one day that she had been in my drawer. I don’t think she has. Hmmm.

Other topics
We also talked about how she thought I had a lot of anger. I really don’t think I do. I said that what she read as anger could be discomfort, grief, concern, any number of other emotions. When she thinks I’m angry, she could ask me if I am. I said I hear a lot of anger in her voice. She said she is angry sometimes. When asked why, she said if she thought about the past, she could probably come up with a lot of reasons. Would it be good for her to review the things that made her angry and to tell me what they are? Would it be good for me? She said she might make a list.

We talked about how we cared for each other and want to be friends. We talked about how she has a bright future. She said she knows better what she wants; a job that challenges her and uses her skills and education. She doesn’t know what she wants from or with me. I guess that’s better than saying she does know and that it’s divorce.

Analysis of my actions
I tried to listen, I also tried to be part of the conversation and keep it going. I think now that I’m still making the same mistake; I need to shut up. I need to ONLY listen. I need to NOT get emotional during a R talk. Getting emotional makes it hard or impossible for me to hear well. Maybe this would be a 180 for me.

Also, I’m looking for THE answer. I am hoping that she will say something, I will say something, that will be decisive. It’s not going to happen. As you’ve told me, there is no one thing that will make or break this. I’m expecting too much from her and from me. I’m expecting way too much from one conversation.

I could go on, and did in my journal, but this is long enough. Next, I want to address goals and lilypads challenge/question. Sure would like someone's opinion on my R talk form last night. Thanks.