Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Thanks GH, I love the pseudo-esoteric BS. I often tihink of what I, we, are trying to do in buhdist terms. I'm not really knowledgable on buhdism, but it definately seems to apply. To love but detach, to act by not acting, to understand by not trying to figure it all out, to determine what your face looked like before you were born, or the sound of one hand clapping. All great stuff to meditate on. Especially, who am I? Am I the H of W? Am I the father of S and D? Which is the 'real' me and does that question even make sense. One truth though, suffering is caused by desire.

On a smaller scale, desire is expectations and wants. I'm seeing that I can't expect anything from someone else, and a want isn't a need. Since I can't expect others to fill my needs, I better learn to fill them for myself - or figure out that it's not really a need at all.

Yesterday, I had a santori/ah ha type moment while reading about detaching on coping.org. What it boiled down to was me starting to let go of her and detach. I felt it. It was terribly sad for me. I think it was grieving the loss of my old relationship, my old views, old hopes and dreams. Of course they are still there, but I feel I've started to let go of them.

I was able to not be in pain around my W (not much anyway, still awkwardness) for the whole evening.

I understand what you mean about external vs. internal. I'm working on that. New habits are hard to form, and old habits are very hard to break. I guess I'm lucky (aren't we all that our sitch gives us the opportunity to change.

I'm sad that I'm not piecing. I am trying LRT, with a few modifications I guess. I am trying hard not to hope she follows me as I walk away (or rather, not pursue. I'm not leaving my kids or home, and I'll be available if she wants to join me). I think I've said before that the way she acted when she first came back really threw me. She lied. She said she wanted to do whatever to make it work, she said she was sorry, she said she loved me. She couldn't keep up the charade. I'm glad of that. I don't want her to pretend to love me.

I think I'm expecting too much out of myself, and her, too soon. You, and the others who have suggested it, are right. I need to back off and have patience, even with myself. It takes awhile to digest all of this. It takes awhile to process the emotions. I went through my W saying she was leaving for OM, gone a month, returned, thinking we both were committed to M, to this, is 2 months. I still need to grieve my loss. I still need to process all I've learned. I need to take a break of sorts.

I arranged for my own C. I have to wait a month to see her. My insurance may not cover all of this, so I may only get one or two sessions with her. I'm looking forward to it.

My friend and I were discussing all the contradictions, like love but detach. He said that a zen monk said "before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." I'm going to go chop some wood and carry some water.