Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Thanks for continuing to post and help, GH. I appreciate it. Nice long post too, , and plenty to think about.

First, a question: what does it mean to externalize your problems, and is the opposite to internalize them?

Piecing vs. LRT. Maybe, probably, I've misunderstood, but if you're piecing and DBing, doesn't that mean you are more focused on the R and fixing it, working together, having goals for the R, doing 180s or "something different" that will help or fix a problem? While LRT is stopping the damage, working on yourself, and not working on the R.

When I first came to this site, as a newcomer, I was advised to move to piecing. I guess because my W had returned. I think I moved here too soon. I don't know if it would help me or my sitch to move to another forum though. I'm getting good advise here... what do you all think?

Snooping: I think part of the reason I snooped is that I felt so shut out of my Ws life and anything I could see, touch, know made me feel there is still a connection. She is secretive and protective of her life and space. I want to share it.

Fighting: Yes, I know not fighting is bad. She has been showing anger since she came back. I'll take that as a good sign. The MC said every time we fight, I should think of it as a hug from her.

Reading your latest posts on your thread, it sounds like this work is never done, although hopefully it's more rewarding and more teamwork. I guess that's how I ended up here; I wasn't doing the work before.

Ok, but here is a GREAT chance for you to investigate and see if she's "clearly" told you that R talks are not good FOR HER and that she's only humoring you by having them. I have no idea if this is the case or not, but you HAVE to tread lightly here. DB/DR suggests no R talks for a reason, and that reason is that THEY ARE ALOMOST ALWAYS PERCIEVED AS PRESSURE by the WAS, and since your W, like mine, is a known bad communicator...well, you get my point.

Boy, I wish I knew for sure if she were trying, if we are piecing, and if she is just humoring me. I suspect she is. Should it make a difference either way to me? In some ways no. In some ways, I think it would make a big difference.

How to listen to someone who I don't see communicating? Maybe the NOT communicating is telling me something. I don't want to be negative, and ignore all the positive signs (going to counseling, politeness, some caring gestures) but they all could be 'humoring' or her trying not to hurt me anymore (caring?).

I think the distancing she is doing, the Non-communicating, and the blunt comment that she doesn't know if she can ever love me like she used to, communicates pretty well. So I think I need to back way off. No R talks, unless she initiates them. That and working on myself to be a person that I like.

I just depressed myself a little. I'd love to actually be piecing. Oh well. It's got to be done, and it's got to be done in it's own time.

I've been advised to accept the positive signs as real and good signs. This is as much to keep the DBer's spirits up so they can last through the marathon as it is because they are positive, I think. I'll accept the positive signs, and not read into them that they imply more than they do (or I'll try not to).

Thanks again.