Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Welcome back J, sorry about your S's wrist. My S15 has broken his wrist twice, but both were clean and relatively easy on him. I hope your S's is OK.

J, I'm kind of shocked by some of the things you say in your post. I guess I was pretty upset and worried around and just after Christmas. Maybe I should re-read what I said.

Maybe I misunderstand LRT. I'll pull out the book and look at it again. Basically, in DR, there is a list of bulleted points and it says that if you fall into this sitch, begin LRT immediately. I fall into most of those points. I thought LRT meant no R talk, no tears, kindness but not going out of your way, GAL. Our MC is working on getting us to talk to each other. AH HA! I just realized, he's not saying we should talk about the R. Just learn to talk to each other. Maybe. Anyway, in piecing, my understanding is that I should be working on improving the R. LRT is stopping the negative, not working on the positive, right?

But, you are absolutely right, whatever stage I'm in or what I should do, I need to BACK OFF. Thanks.

Some things you said that I think are misunderstandings:

she has not been "allowed" to get a job b/c you feel threatened

I don't know where you got that idea. She loved her job for a few years, but her boss turned evil, and her job was high stress. She started to really hate it. I supported her, and told her that she should quit, work on her PhD, and not to worry, I could take care of the finances. She quit, but I think her job gave her alot of pride and enjoyment. She would be happier working, and she is looking for a job. I never felt threatened by her working.

Oh, I see, I said I was afraid if she got a job, she would leave me (did I say that?). Yes, I am, was afraid that she will leave me, and that she: is just waiting for the holidays to be over, or just waiting until she gets her Phd, or just waiting for the kids to be out of school, or just waiting until she has means to support herself, etc. My paranoia. It's not about her having a job so much as my fear of her leaving, which I'm getting under control.

, WOW that is HUGE SACRIFICE TO ASK OF YOUR WIFE, but I get the feeling she didn't feel "asked" much. And now you seem surprised she isn't thrilled with this lopsided relationship and job she got stuck with.....and you didn't KNOW this b/c it didn't occur to you?????

I don't think I gave enough information on the MIL issue. I never asked my wife to take care of my mom (taking care of, in this case, means talking to almost daily on the phone). I never expected W to do this (I guess I did expect her to be nice to my mom). My W has a problem with assuming everything is her responsibility. She also has a problem with not communicating. She took the responsibility of keeping my mom happy, and I let her (my bad). She told me that she wasn't happy doing it, after doing it for years, but she told me in a way I interpreted as just venting a little. I learned from this to listen differently to my W than I used to. I learned that I need to listen hard, ask for more information to find out how deep the issue is, to look for body language and other cues. I hope I get chances to practice this.

I would like you to go more in depth about why you think your sitch is similar to how my W feels. I'd love to understand her better (although I think I received some good advise a while ago about Not trying to understand).

Again, welcome back. And how are things going with you? Was it a productive trip and time spent together? Any decisions made? Any small or large changes? Did you have fun?