Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[25yearsmlc]

Dear K,

I'm back. S20 broke his wrist badly--needs to have surgery, so the trip was cut short. But all kids and H were troopers.

Just reading your posts and some replies. Let me sum up with a few phrases that say it all: Slow Down and Relax some. BACK OFF big time. This is NOT the same as LRT as I understand YOU mean it to be....but big time detaching and backing off ALL R talks and expectations would be great. Same with om (who????) (what OM???).

Lower the expectations for now. Give yourself your own idea about how long you can take it, and make it easier on yourself, a little, by backing off all expectations. If you can just co-parent lovingly, and be a friendly companion to your W....let that build a bit on itself as NO MATTER what happens, that kind of bonding and civility can only help you. More important, the chance that she can allow herself, unpressured, to see that what she loved about you once, is still there, underneath the pain and anger you both have. There is love....as far as your W being nice to you and what that means, frankly I don't see how it can mean anything bad...Think about it. and see how negative you can get when even her loving attitude gets questioned and changed into something bad....back off sweetheart. Let her wonder what life will be like with you IF she is loving and kind, let her see how you are loving to her, how YOU"VE CHANGED and how you want to have a good R with her even if it's only as friends/co-parents......as a mother I am telling you no way can she NOT be affected by seeing you lovingly father your children. So what if that's why she came back?

And if H had asked me any number of "bad" days, whether I loved him, I cannot say what I've had answered with. I was really angry and at times thought I hated him....so there. Hey, truth be told, you've had those thoughts too. And recall what I said about my "om" in that even when attracted to another man, or unhappy in the M with my own H, due to his neglect mainly and the stuff that happens in marriages anyway (we have had problems that belong to ME, but the neglect is pretty much a pattern for H and I can tell you more if you think it'll help, but let's stay on YOU---meaining, sometimes I think my sitch is some small ways is like your wife MIGHT feel, and I want to reassure you, but cannot tell if it helps) even with all that, I STILL wanted to see if H could/would change into who I fell in love with, IF that man really existed. I can say now, that parts of that man did and do exist. I hope it's enough. Knowing at least some of it was "real" helps me know that my M was not a "sham" or ffantasy I made up, etc.


So, tell me why your LRT calls for such coldness? How likely is that to help you convince your wife you do forgive her, that she IS lovable and that your M CAN work? What changes are you trying to convince her You have made? And btw, as far as not listening to your wife, don't you think she has a point? Are you still not listening by reacting this way to what she is saying she needs now? As far as taking care of your mother, whom YOU admit is difficult, well.....let me get this straight. You somehow thought your Wife didn't need a job that would pay her money, make her feel good about herself, put her around people who might give her positive feedback, a sense of self, a sense of a professional future and career, adult interaction.....etc....BUT she WOULD like to take care of a MIL, who is "crazy" and "difficult" and critical and pays nothing and gives your wife no break....and somehow you fear that her wanting to have a job is about you, and what you might lose, etc. Sorry, maybe she wants independence and with it, to leave you. Maybe so. But if that is what she wants, you cannot stop her AND in the meantime, you look selfish and petty to deny her a reasonable request about her own sanity and well being and future, and financial contribution to the family, btw. You seem a bit controlling on this issue, maybe even a lot.....But back to your mother and your wife getting the responsibility for the care of your mother, WOW that is HUGE SACRIFICE TO ASK OF YOUR WIFE, but I get the feeling she didn't feel "asked" much. And now you seem surprised she isn't thrilled with this lopsided relationship and job she got stuck with.....and you didn't KNOW this b/c it didn't occur to you????? Or she told you and you forgot??? Come on K, what spouse needs to be told this "offer" ain't so great? Your wife's feelings are NORMAL in my mind....anyhow, just some food for thought. More to come, but gotta go and take care of the man/child s20... I know there's lots more to the story. Here's another take on it.

So far, she has had an affair and so have you. She has taken care of your mother for some time and you havent and it's YOUR mom....she has not been "allowed" to get a job b/c you feel threatened.....you snoop even though she says not to do that.....K, you gotta listen to her and give her some respect. I can see how hurt you are, but you are being a tad unfair, don't you think? I mean, you really are not DBing and you are not doing as she asked and you are not listening or using common sense in some of your expectations....so, this isn't all about her. The good news is that to the extent this is about YOU, you can do something about it. That's a huge part of GAL...
j-