Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[lilypad]

Hey Kirby,

Thought I would check in on you. I feel ya about not seeing any action on your thread. It can make you a little crazy! Well, I finally checked your first thread to see what your sitch was like. I am SO sorry for what you have been through! It sounds shocking and it looks like you have handled yourself quite well.

My H is very non-communicative, good at acting like things are fine, then blowing me out of the water with an EA/PA - IDLY every year or two. Not sure why I am always so surprised...but that's another matter.

I have 2 things for you. 1) Once while gathering info, harassing OW about affair, she unloaded on me all the things that my H (boyfriend, engaged at the time) had told her. He felt like that since he had already "messed up" that things could never be right again. He felt like, he had already done us in, so "what was the point?" He is a perfectionist by nature, a musician and trained computer person - so this played into his view of relationships as well. I suspect that your wife may feel a little like she already screwed up, that you already screwed up with your A (it's irrelevant who went first) - so how could this be saved. Also, I am sure it's not just you she is thinking of. Considering that she left the kids as well, as a mother, I know I would feel a TON of guilt over that. She is probably having a hard time reconciling what she may believe she has done to them. Just a thought. It has taken a LONG time (12 years) for my H to get that people screw up, relationships are hard, and only the two of us can decide what is OK for us. We don't have to be perfect for an outside gaze or for the one in the mirror. I come from a religious upbringing and seem to have forgiveness (to a fault!) running through my veins. He did not have the same and is more of a hardliner. Is your wife the black and white type? I suspect you are the shades-of-gray peacekeeper? Tough place to be. Anyway, no real suggestions for you on exactly what to do. Just some POV thoughts to consider.

2) Has anyone else here suggested that you slow down a bit on the DBing? What I mean is, IMHO, it looks like you are looking a little further ahead than maybe you should. Trust me, I understand wanting, desiring positive change and quick results. But you have to remember you are only a few months into this game, especially since W has not been home long. (I know it feels an ETERNITY to you.) Again, IMHO you should still be focusing on detaching, 180's, and GAL. Of course, go to counseling - if wife wants to do so, but if not - don't push it. Matter of fact, don't push anything else. No R talk, unless she instigates. Even then, only respond matter-of-factly (not emotional) to her. Also, my H NEVER wanted to hear about DB. He thinks it's weird! I am no DB expert but I am not sure you are in need of LRT quite yet or that you are to piecing yet. Again, I may be wrong. Others, feel free to right me!!

My therapist, who suggested Michele's approach to me, said something MANY years ago that has just now been hitting home. "If someone is drowning, does it do them any good to hang around their neck? No, they are going to violently push you away to keep from going under. So, why are you hanging onto his neck?" Your W is drowning. She thought this OM (grass is greener) had something for her she thought was missing. She went. She feels terrible for leaving - you and the kids. Possibly, she is discovering that he wasn't all she dreamed of. If she doesn't know this now - she will, eventually. Now, she is in the thick of it. Trying to figure out who she is, what she wants, all still in the middle of this family she loves and knew she dreamed of having at one time. She is a wreck - she is drowning. Here is the worst part, and I know this from experience, YOU CANNOT SAVE HER. You CAN save yourself. I have been DBing since March 06 and am still working detaching, 180's, GAL. I am just now starting to see positive results w/ H - and there are OW still out there, though contact has grown to almost nil. He is interested in me again. We always have tons to talk about, he seeks me out - but we RARELY talk about our relationship. We just have one. I have had to learn that's going to have to be OK with me. He's not a talker about serious things, especially those he knows he has had fault in - again, the perfectionist.

So, after these 10 months, something weird has happened to me. I have confidence. Seems out of nowhere. I didn't even know it was missing until it came back so strongly. I get down, I worry but NEVER like I used to. I know I am giving it my all, that I am awesome, have things going for me, and could always make it on my own if it came to that. I don't think I have felt like that since I met my H. Hence, I guess I have finally let go of the drowning guy. He likes it much better (obviously) and I found I can swim, even against the tide, on my own.

Sorry to be SO LONG and get poetic on you - but I'm a poet. Just can't help it sometimes!!

I'll keep checking on you. Keep us posted.