Wondering if I'm piecing or Last Resort

[kirby]

Morning. Despite the snow, I went to the office today (although so far I'm alone here). I think staying at home would have put too much pressure on W and me. I've spent enough time at home.

Last night was really interesting, with MC and R talking. I'm using this forum to review what happened and think it through. I may revise my thoughts and interpretations on this, as this is a first attempt.

The first session last night was a communications for couple’s class. We practiced the speaker listener technique. My W and I discussed her relationship with my mother. I knew she had problems with my mom, we all do, but I didn't know how much my W resented that she was the one who mainly had to take care of my mom. The underlying issue here is that she feels she told me, clearly, that she didn't want to do it and was upset, and I didn't hear her or understand. This is a problem she has always had. She cannot communicate well, and she avoids confrontation. Now I know that I wasn't listening well. If she would have fought with me about my mom (we never 'fight') and hit me over the head, I might have understood.

Then, after the class, we met with the MC. I learned there that I'm not handling my grief as well as I thought I was and my W resents it. I need to work on this more. More GALing, more learning to Stop thinking.

After the MC session, W started talking R in the car. She is angry at me for snooping. I haven't snooped for a while, and I never snooped very well, but I did. So, don't snoop. They don't like it; it doesn't help, fight the urge.

A couple of nights ago, driven by jealousy, I walked downstairs and listened for a minute at her bedroom door to see if she were on the phone to OM. She heard my footsteps and knew what I was doing. Bad idea on my part. But she did say she wasn't on the phone. I take that to mean she is not communicating with OM (it could mean she wasn't communicating then). It does matter to me and my peace of mind now, because I'm not detached and still to wrapped up in her and what she is thinking.

Lastly, she told me that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t know if she ever will again. This is the bottom line; more important then the OM or anything else I think. I wanted to tell her that love is a choice and she can choose to love me – but I knew that wouldn’t sway her. She hates to do anything, like go on a ‘date’ with me, because she doesn’t want to mislead me and doesn’t want me to have expectations. She will go to a movie with me, but we can’t call it a date.

I think that because she is talking to me sometimes, going to counseling, and professes to like and care about me, that we are Piecing. However, she doesn’t love me. I am in a dangerous position, as we all are or have been. Even though I have it better than many, I could screw this up easily. I need to DB and understand DBing.

I think she is still a WAS and MLCer. She is wearing makeup, for pretty much the first time in her life. She got her ears pierced, although she swore she never would. Her MLC may be milder than some, but I think it’s still there. So I still need to practice Last Resort techniques; mainly giving her space and work on myself.

But, it seems to me that we can have R talks, as long as there aren’t too many, too emotional, and not seen as pressuring her to make a decision and love me already. So I intend to have a few R talks and see if I can learn more about what I missed that she was telling me during our M (like how she felt about my mom, how she doesn’t like the way I do laundry, etc.). I intend to do some of the DB techniques to improve our M/R, like 180s, ‘dates’ and positive times, and (I’ll have to re-read those chapters. I didn’t think I’d get to use those techniques and I’m glad I’ll get to try) others. Mostly, I will work on myself and managing my grief. I may get my own C to help me with learning how to find my own happiness and not depend on her.

This got long. Let me know what you think please. Am I on the right track?