advice needed - sex and moving out??

[ourcrisis]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and I am so glad I fount this
website. I have been seeing improvements since I started
DBing. But here I am stuck on a few issues and need some advice. Here is the background info:

Background:
We have known each other for 20 years, married for 14. We have two sons, age
6 and 8, both great, well balanced kids. Marriage has been pretty normal,
though not very romantic. We moved from US to Singapore in 2003 due to
husband's international assignment. I quit my engineering manager job
to concentrate on the family.

DH: 38, ACOA, very responsible type due to taking care of all his sisters
since he was young. He is very committed to the kids
OW: 34, also ACOA (dad gambler, mom alcoholic), had a brother who always took care of her.
Me: 38, normal middle class family upbringing, introvert

How it happened (a very short version)
This is from what DH told me. I personally beleived the emotional part of A started
earlier than April. Physical part started in April or May. OW's brother, also
DH's friend, got sick all of a sudden and it turned out to be cancer. DH felt
he needed to take care of her and helped her out in many ways, including pursuing
her. Brother died in August.
early Oct: I confronted him on the increasing night out till 4am. He confessed
and seemed very guilty. I had the normal blaming, yelling, etc. After a few days,
I said, "Severe all contacts" which he later decided he could not. Another month
of more anguish. I said, "Leave her or leave me". We started counseling.
During my reading, we discovered the term ACOA, midlife crisis, all of these
new things, as well as how affairs affect our relationship.
mid-Nov: He finally decided "Since he cannot leave her now, he has no choice but
to leave me."
The reasons he told me are:
1. He cannot leave her at this time because her brother just passed away, her
father died a year ago. He is really worried she will do something stupid or
get influence from all her "wrong" friends
2. He discovered something that he never had before, I do not exactly understand him,
but I think he discovered to have fun and to be carefree, and not to plan
anything, something he never experienced before. He needs to explore that
3. (I don't understand this one). He said he is being selfish, he wants to
help her until she can have her self-esteem back and stand on her own.
Currently is not a good time to leave her.
4. He did state that he was not divorcing me, and may not work out with her, just
he is leaving me because my choice is "leave me or leave her".
5. This one is not directly from him, but from my observation. He felt that
I am a very guarded person (which I realize now I am), and all these years
I led a more private life and he shares his daily details with me. He said
the OW would tell him little silly things in daily life which I don't.
When he told me his decision, natually I pleaded, cried, all sorts. At some point,
I mentioned I asked him if he can re-discover himself without leaving the marriage.
He kept going back to "since he could not leave her, he has to leave me"
Somewhere I said "do not have sex with her." I forgot what led to that statement.
After a few days when I calmed down, I decided that is not a fair request and
told him I retrieved my request. Strangely, from Nov till now, early Jan,
he is still honoring that (though he said he would get cornered by her soon)

Due to the holidays and all the planned overseas trip and our counselor on vacation,
we are postponing working out the separation agreement till after the new year.
Starting mid-Nov, I discovered Michele's books and started reading. From then
till now, there have been many changes.
Mid-Nov: He was ready to walk out just any minute we had an argument. He kept
saying he loved her and he loved me at the same time.
Early Jan: He has been not that eager to find an apt. He has not had sex with her.
He has not gone out with her much and not till very late at all. We had
great fun together doing things because (I) figured I am going to enjoy
my last months with a partner and is trying to do all the things which
I won't do alone (romantic dinners, getting more drunk, dancing, etc.)
He is also saying a lot (esp. after sex) that he loves me much more
than he loves her (guilty talk?)
Two nights ago, I was telling him how the separation will affect the kids
decades down the road vs staying together, he mentioned may be he should
stay in the guest room till we move back to the US in the summer.
I asked, "What then?" He said then the kids and I will have emotional support
from grandparents and families. I told him I need to consider that.
Today, he went back to saying about finding a place again.
He also talked more about the details of visitation, etc.
We talked about the sex part and how we both really enjoyed it.
He wanted to see if he can still come back and have sex with me after he moves
out. I told him, "i cannot due to safety reasons. I will sleep with him
if he does not have sex with her." No answer from him.
I have also strongly requested (bad move!!!) that he use protection
with her to avoid the complication of a baby. No answer from him.
He kept saying he did not want to give me hope since he cannot guarantee
anything.
One more thing, unless he decides to ditch the kids (which he won't), we
are moving back to the US in the summer because there is no reason for me
to stay anymore and the kids are going with me. He said he is committed
to the kids and will follow wherever I go. As with OW, he does not know
and will leave that up to her.

Here, I need some advice from you all:
- Should I have him stay in the guest room till the summer? Or have him move out?
On one hand, having him stay will certainly increase our time together,
and making him spending time with her more difficult since he is still
guilty contacting her in front of me (eventhough I don't put pressure on him)
On the other hand, living him outside will sure show him all the comfort he
is missing at home, like dinner, laundry, family time with the kids. Also,
if he really needs time to be alone to work out his feelings, may be he is
better living outside.
But of course, he will almost certainly sleep with her if he lives outside.
And she may spend the night, etc.
- Sex. I can either: not sleep with him at all, sleeps with him if he
promises to use condom with her, sleeps with him if he uses condom with me.
Well, what do you all think??? According to him, he enjoys it with me
more than with her. I feel being used to let him sleep with two persons,
but not overwhelmingly and will do it if it helps. Afterall, I do enjoy it.
- Assuming the OW really needs help, should I just turn a blind eye and
tell him to do what he needs to do and come back? I guess the point is
I don't really buy that a mature, married-before, career women will
actually fall apart without a man whom she was intimate for such
a short time (despite the fact that DH sort of became replacement
for her dead brother plus more) He did mention in passing once that
after he moves out, he plans to be very irritating to her so she will dump him.
Frankly, I do not buy that...
- anyone who had similar experience and/or advice? I am trying to read
as many post as possible and it has been helping.

I will certainly have more questions later. But I guess this is enough for
a first post :-) I do plan to post more as i can say all the methods are
working so far. There really have been a big change in DH and myself.
Of course, he still won't leave her for some reason.....

Talk to you later, Thanks,
ourcrisis