Sometimes I wonder if there is something inherently wrong with me.
But then, I cry a little, take a deep breath, and remind myself that relationships are not easy. That's why many people are turning to Michele to learn good relationship skills.
I'm living with my parents.
I'm 28 years old, separated from my husband, no children, 29000 in debt and 92 pounds over weight.
HOWEVER.
I've been healing my relationship with my parents while I've been living with them. I feel that I've made good progress with them, despite the setbacks that do occur. That will continue to occur. (Note to self: Relationships are not easy but they are worth working on.)
I've paid off 2 out of 12 debts and consolidated 4 others.
I've lost 40 pounds (through weight watchers) and so am ONLY 92 pounds overweight.
I'm healing my relationship with my husband.
I have a good challenging job at my favorite University.
Lots of good things are happening.
I'm making good progress.
But, I have to begin DBing my parents.
I'm living with my parents rent free. They and I agree that this is the best thing so that I can make huge dents in my debts in the quickest way possible.
My dad is a Bankruptcy Lawyer. He sees people from all walks of life coming in to declare bankruptcy. That adds stress because he's scared that I'll end up there too.
However, last night, my mom told me to clean up her mess. I told her she needed to be responsible for her mess and clean it up herself. She said if you don't clean up this mess I won't order stuff from ebay for you anymore.
I HATE that game.
Mom does something nice for me. A favor. However, I feel like that favor is turned into a weapon against me. Best solution, don't ask for any favors. Ever.
So, I say, "With that attitude, I won't ask for you to order anything from Ebay for me ever again."
Later last night, my dad comes and knocks on my door. He's yelling at me, but quietly, as if he doesn't want my mom to hear.
He says, "I don't care whose mess it is. Next time your mom asks you to clean up something, you damn well better do it. You are living in this house rent free. She does so much for you and you are ungrateful most of the time. You do what she asks or you can move out."
My parents do do a lot for me. An incredible amount.
And I try to show my gratitude.
My mom and I have an arguement. It's between us. But then my dad feels the need to step in and defend her. And boy does he defend her.
So, I want to stay at my parents house. I want to work through this.
He gets angry, leaps to her defense the best way he knows how. He comes close to kicking me out of the house.
I'm 16 years old again. When he did kick me out.
Why am I facing this again?
Because this time, I have the tools to handle the situation that I wasn't able to handle when I was 16.
This is the chance to heal the pain that I've felt since I was 16. This is my chance to act rather than re-act.
I will DB my parents.
I will clean up what my mom asks me to do. I am living in their house rent free. I haven't read the 5 languages of love book, but I'm positive that my mom has several languages of love. 1) She buys presents for people. 2) She spends quality time with people. 3) She responds well to people showing her love by spending quality time with her AND doing what she calls 'Love chores'.
So, I'll show her love in a way she can hear. I'll do the cleaning that she asks me to do.
I'll do my best to maintain a Positive Mental Attitude when I'm around her and my dad.
My dad seems happiest when I stay within my budget. It'd blow his socks off if I came in below my budget one month. He's happiest also when there's no conflict between my mom and I.
So, to DB him, I'll do my best to show progress in my finances and to keep conflict with my mom away from him. If she choses to talk to him about it, that's beyond my control. But I can chose to speak to my mom privately instead of in front of him, when an issue comes up.
I will look at this as my chance to practice DBing before I'm living with my husband.
If I can Master DBing every day with my parents, then DBing with my husband will be much easier.
Acting silly, yelling with her mouth full so that she was spitting...when I pointed out to her that she was spitting, she moved closer so that her spitting would land on me.
Yuck.
Couldn't type her ebay password in...took her 5 tries.
Stumbling around, couldn't keep her balance.
She's not normally like that.
I found myself trying to control her, telling her what to do. Our roles reversed. Me the controlling mommy, her the child.
I don't like it when she tries to control me.
But yet, when her baviour became unacceptable, I started trying to be controlling.
I DON'T like seeing that controlling side of myself. I don't respect it. Don't want it.
So, I lashed out and told her to be responsible and clean up after herself.
Next time that happens and I feel myself reverting to an Army commander barking orders...I need to do something different.
I begin barking orders because 1) I'm afraid she'll hurt herself 2) I don't understand why she can't perform a simple task that she does everyday (normally) took me awhile to realize she was drunk...she wasn't slurring her words at all. 3) Perhaps I don't like having such an erratic change in my environment and so out of fear, try to take control, to control my fear.
So, what can I do next time?
1) Remove myself from the situation, say I need a time out. 2) I don't know...other than use Lily's duct tape.
Quote: 1) Remove myself from the situation, say I need a time out.
this is probably the best thing to do. I lived with an alchoholic mother til I got married, only thing to do was just leave her to herself or if she had finally fallen asleep (passed out?) on the couch wake her and get her to bed (gee who's the mom?) now I (and my brothers) just don't call her house after a certain hour. there is also another possible way to go about it...think of when you and your girlfriends would drink and one would have a little too much how would you treat her??? try to treat mom the same way.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: 1) Remove myself from the situation, say I need a time out.
Quoting lostlove:this is probably the best thing to do.
Ok. I'll give that a shot.
Quoting lostlove: there is also another possible way to go about it...think of when you and your girlfriends would drink and one would have a little too much how would you treat her??? try to treat mom the same way.
Well, I'll have to ponder that. When my husband would get drunk, I'd do my darndest to seduce him...can't do that with my mom!
Quote: When my husband would get drunk, I'd do my darndest to seduce him...can't do that with my mom!
what I mean is did you get mad at them and want to "mother" them? or did you accept that though what they had done to themselves (getting drunk) was irrisponsible and not good for them, it was their choice and not get angry at them but be helpful (am I telling you to be an enabler, I hope not).
I guess it's just best to realize when she (or anyone for that matter) is drunk they will not be themselves and all you can do is try not to react to it. and if that means you must remove yourself from the sit to avoid being sucked into a conflict then that is what you do.
UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN By Gale Berkowitz
A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.
Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and
maintain friendships with other women. It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research---most of it on men---upside down. Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible, explains Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant rofessor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors. It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.
Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; In fact, says Dr. Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies
suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr. Klein, because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen; she adds, seems to enhance it.
The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic "aha" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded, says Dr. Klein. When the men were stressed,
they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something. The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various
research specialties. Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health. It may take some time for
new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and
cholesterol. There's no doubt, says Dr. Klein, that friends are helping us live longer. In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period.
In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.
Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses' Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the
results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight!
And that's not all! When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any
new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate. Yet if friends counter the stress that seem to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time
to be with them? That's a question that also troubles researcher
Ruthellen Josselson,
Ph.D., co-author of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press,1998). Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women, explains Dr. Josselson. We push them right
to the back burner. That's really a mistake because women are such a
source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience.
Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L.,Gurung, R.A.
R., & Updegraff, J. A. (2000). Female Responses to Stress: Tend and
Befriend, Not Fight or Flight
