Hi girl. Don't beat yourself up or think you're loco.
You are still careening to the extremes but you know that. It's hard to get away from that. Some things that worked for me were:
Elastic bracelets. When I started to obsess or analyze, SNAP. It got pretty painful but it worked.
I visualized a big stop sign when I caught my brain wandering. I'd also say (out loud sometimes) - Here we go again. Something like that.
You'll find that you're on sooner doing something like that before you start again. Set your goal - such as "I will learn to control my emotions better" and systematically do whatever you determine works for you to fulfil your goal.
Rejoice in the victories, regardles of their size. Learn from the "mistakes" and don't dwell on them.
You've got as much time as you choose. There's a lot more wiggle room than most of us think in our situations. Really.
I had a second date with my husband last night. It went well. We ate at a yummy restaurant. He paid and was a gentleman. I was annoyed that he pulled up, still smoking a ciggarette. He put his arm around me while we walked into the restaurant! I was too busy being distracted by his arm to notice any lingering cigarette reek.
He asked me if I really would move in with him when he moved to my town. I said I would. I also told him that he'd have to give up smoking before I could though. I said I didn't want to be around when his monster emerged while he tried to quit. He chuckled and said he wouldn't put me through that.
I said that his cat would have to be an inside cat, because of safety and fleas. And that I wasn't going to clean up after him. He agreed to all that. (Asking for what I want/setting up boundaries).
He said he missed me and had been thinking about me a lot more often lately. He looked like he was going to tear up. I managed to not also tear up. I was confident and "on" the whole time. He seemed shy and unsure of himself. It almost seemed like he had forgotten that he was the one who wanted a separation! Weird.
So, the seesaw has tipped to becoming more balanced. I was disapointed that he's still not taking charge of his life. He keeps letting others set his goals for him, while he just takes a back seat and waits to see how events unravel.
I was also upset that he hasn't told anyone in his family that he's going to move to my town. He said he's going to wait until he finds a job here. Sigh. I'm a bit worried that that means he's not fully committed to the move.
I was also disapointed that he didn't invite me for his christmas holiday with his family. But I didn't say anything. Trying to keep low expectations.
However, he did say that his mom doesn't like me. Which is much better than before when he used to say that she did like me and that I was just being overly-sensitive. So, it's nice that he sees what I've been seeing, but still sad.
He was surprised that I asked for her email so that I could contact her. He said he didn't know why I would want to. I told him that as long as we are still married, she's part of my family, whether she likes me or not. I got the sense that he approved.
He said that he'd try to work Saturdays during the days so that we could spend time together sat nights. I'm in class in his town saturdays and sundays, and between my class schedule and his work shedule we get to see each other only about 1 hour on sunday night, currently. So, it's nice that he's going to try to change his schedule to see me. Which also means that he's thinking about future dates!
When I called him up to thank him for a date, he responded, Thank YOU! Last time, he had just said "you are welcome."
And he asked me to call him when I got home so that he'd know I was safe.
He said he loved me before he left and held me close. While he hugged me, he told me that I smelled good and nuzzled me a little bit. No kiss though. But, I'd so much rather have that hug than a kiss. It was WONDERFUL.
Yesterday was my birthday. I had a wonderful dinner with my parents, my siblings called me to wish me happy birthday. My in laws emailed me wishing me a happy birthday.
My Spouse....nothing.
Not a phone call, not an email.
My heart hurts.
I really want to give up right now.
I want to ream him out if he ever contacts me again.
I want to call him up and yell at him.
I want him to be here hugging me and comforting me for his thoughtlessness.
I don't know what to think.
I don't think that he did this maliciously because the last email I received from him, was signed 'Loveya'.
Right now, I think he's the most self-centered, selfish, emotionless guy I've ever known.
That's what I'm doing. From the begining, I've called him or emailed him except for when I had first moved out. He had sent me two emails. One just to make sure I was ok, and one to resolve an issue he was having with the electric company.
Just recently, he had told me that he was thinking about me and that he missed me.
I had told him, if you'll remember that I was reaching the end of my rope and that he needed to move to my town and get a job for us to continue. He said he would.
I 'helped' him by finding all sorts of job openings in my town. Steph and Phoenix warned me that this might backfire on me. I expressed my concern that it might indeed backfire.
I found the perfect job for him. I'm working in a University and found a job for him with another department in the University. One of my former bosses works in that department, so I emailed both my old boss and my spouse. My former boss offered to look over my husband's resume and give him advice.
My husband promised to fax in his application on Monday. Friday I asked him if he'd heard back from either my former boss or the Human Resources department. He confessed that he hadn't bothered to send in his app.
I said, "Oh. Well, I better go now. I'll talk to you later."
He said, "Wait, are you mad?"
I told him I was, that I practically handed him a job and all he had to do was apply and he'd most likely have it. He said he was sorry, I was right and he'd apply right away, after giving me a lame excuse about not having enough time.
(Here I am working full time during the week, going to school on the weekend in his town, and making Christmas crafts for presents for everyone...and HE doesn't have time? Whenever I call him, he's always telling me about the great time he's having playing computer games.)
In any case, he emailed me and said he'd sent his resume to my former boss. And he signed it that he loved me.
Oh, and during my expressing my anger about him not applying to the job, I told him that it seemed that he didn't really want to work on our marriage. He said he did and that he was sorry.
So, then I'm irritated because he's talking sweetly but taking very little action.
And then my birthday comes and goes. No contact whatsoever from him.
Perhaps I moved to quick. Perhaps he's 'rebelling' against me. Perhaps he's just saying sweet things so that I'll shut up.
I don't know.
At this point, I don't care.
I'm going dark. Retreating in pain.
Funny thing about this is: My mother has always said that she tackles things head on. Yet, when she's been hurt, she retreats in pain too. She calls it, "Not wanting to intrude on someone's life. When they stop being mad, they'll contact her." Whatever....she's just retreating in pain too. A rose by any other name is still a rose.
When I was contacting him, I was doing a dance depending on his reactions. If I called him and he responded happily, then I'd call him within a day or two.
If I called him and he's respond rudely, I'd call him after 5 or 6 days had passed.
I would make sure to keep my end of the conversation light and up beat. I tried really hard to not question him about anything. Big 180 for me.
But I didn't want to go completely dark because whenever we were fighting, I'd retreat to another room. He hated it.
So, I was doing my best to do a 180 by doing a dance based on his reactions. Trying to not pressure him in anyway by calling too often.
He had told me that he wanted a separation because he felt like I was a always clinging to him (like a dirty t-shirt, to use ANS's analogy).
So, I thought I was dancing that fine line pretty well.
But perhaps what I was doing wasn't different enough. I think it was working because our interactions were becoming more and more positive on a regular basis.
For all I know, he doesn't even realize that he forgot my birthday and he thinks everything is hunky dory.
I don't know. I don't know if I made a mistake by 'helping' him too much with the job search. If I made a mistake about expressing my anger. Even though he asked if I was mad, maybe I shouldn't have answered.
I just don't know.
But right now, I don't want to talk to him. I'm afraid that if I did, I'd explode. Probably yelling and crying at the same time.
If anyone can be more objective than I, by all means speak up.
I do feel better. And I got in some good sweaty exercise and the endorphins kicked in. And I felt MUCH better.
I don't know why I keep forgetting that exercise is a big important thing I need to do. When I don't, my depression gets worse. I'm weaning off my depression meds with my doctors help. Taking it slow...but when I exercise, I'm so up it just seems to ridiculous that I could be depressed!
For me, I'm just a happier content person when I exercise.
As for my husband, I can't do anything about him or the situation. But I can take care of me. And I'm through being unhappy.
