You are right. Him getting a job and moving to my town are big steps in themselves.
I've sent him tons of links with job listings and sent out feelers on the good 'ol boy network.
He thanked me for the oodles of information I sent him and he was very excited about one of them! And was intrigued about the others.
I also sent him housing information and he was very excited about how cheap living is here, compared to his city.
But the most exciting sign of all:
He was on AIM and saw my older brother was online. He sent my brother an IM asking if I'd been online recently. My brother responded back and then being the buttinsky that he is, he asked, "So are you getting divorced or staying married."
My husband responded, "Staying married. I'm moving to her town."
He doesn't like telling people anything until it's certain. Each time he told me that he wanted to separate, he insisted I wait and not tell anyone until we actually separated.
So, this is good!
Now, I am hoping he'll tell his family too...
I certainly plan on staying on this board, continuing to post and read.
I find that I have a difficult time figuring out what signs are signs. What techniques work. Etc.
I'm getting better at learning how to strategize. However, I know I have a long road of hard work ahead of me.
But I am very excited that we might begin living together and working on our relationship purposely.
I need to calm down and get a really good nights sleep. This roller coaster has turned into a loop de loop!
Hey PNT - how was the holiday? Good luck on what seems to be going on but I do have one big word of caution.
I got pretty concerned when you posted how much you did for him to help get him back to where you are. Been there; done that myself over the years. I'd love to see it if you'd learn to trust in his ability to do things himself as much as reasonable. Really, it's a good thing.
Guys may rely on being mommied but they resent it and rebel too. Plus we usually get mad and feel taken advantage of even when they never asked for it in the first place.
It may just be a good thing to keep in mind. Take care.
Quoting Phoenix: Guys may rely on being mommied but they resent it and rebel too. Plus we usually get mad and feel taken advantage of even when they never asked for it in the first place.
Ohhhhh BABY! Been there, done that too! One of the big sticky points with and MY wife!
Phoenix. You have a great point. That is something that is difficult for me to do. Stand back and let him do things in his own time.
I get afraid that if I don't 'remind' him that he'll 'forget' and not do it.
I need to stay focused on the idea that if he 'forgets' that's his choice. And I need to respect his right to make stupid choices. (Yes, I'm biased! )
To underscore your point, he hasn't called/emailed/contacted me in any way.
But I've had such a nice holiday with my brother and my niece that I still feel fulfilled.
Steph, this may also prove your point as well. He said the 'right' things when I was on the phone crying. But the lack of follow through shows that he wasn't sincere.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: Steph, this may also prove your point as well. He said the 'right' things when I was on the phone crying. But the lack of follow through shows that he wasn't sincere.
Like us, they tend to do things that will help them, take some of the pressure of them. They run away, they detach, they say things and dont follow up, or they are nice to us only because it helps them in certain situations! Its about self preservation. We all do it. I dont think it was not sincere, just not in the way you expected it! You can not put expectations on anyone, let alone WAS'!
Expectations low. PMA high. Big breaths. Focus on taking care of me.
BABY STEPS!
Boy...staying focused on me is difficult for me. I'm so used to thinking about my relationship...and analyzing it...that I feel lost and look for other things to worry about.
Gee...wouldn't it be wonderful if I was constantly thinking of ways to pamper myself and my relationship with me...
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: Gee...wouldn't it be wonderful if I was constantly thinking of ways to pamper myself and my relationship with me...
We worry so much about their moods, emotions, thoughts and well being that we put ours aside...time for a change! Think about you and only you...but be carefull, there are concequences: like happiness and well being and inner peace...oh yeah, and our walk away loved ones may also notice .
He was drunk. When we first started dating when he was drunk, he'd cuddle up close to me and whisper in my ear, "I love you". Of course I loved that. He kept saying it again and again. He'd tell me he loved me 20 times in an hour!
Heh.
Well, today I called him up and he was drunk. Said this was the first time that he's had a drink since we separated. That's really interesting because he was going out with the boys and drinking about once every week or every two weeks.
He got sweet with me on the phone. Called my baby and darling. He acted silly, burped loudly in my ear. I told him I thought I should call him back later....and he became all worried that I was angry.
I chuckled and told him that I wasn't angry...just grossed out!
He promised not to do that again.
Laugh.
In any case, I think this just underlines what people have been telling me and what I've been reading on these boards.
IF the walk away spouse wants to come back, then they will....BUT on their time table.
I guess I'm detaching from him. And I'll say to myself that I won't think about him anymore and then the next thing I know, I'm reaching for the phone to tell him about something funny I just read.
I don't take this to mean that he's a habit, I think it just shows how much I love him, despite what my mind says/rages.
I give up. I don't know how to strategize anymore. I plan/worry/fret/think myself to the point of going cross-eyed. and then find myself ignoring the plan and reaching for the phone to chat with him.
Obviously, I'm still on the rollercoaster, but it seems to be my mind that's a rollercoaster, not the relationship.
I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!
Focus on me, keep my PMA up, get lots of sleep, drink lots of water and take my vits.
.