It was hard for me to access my own sexuality. Although it might have helped to be paired with a more confident partner, ultimately I had to dig into my own psyche to free myself up. ...Rigley has a spark from the separation ( interesting how his fear of losing love, when it finally happened, is the very thing that's helping him get in touch with himself). The clue to unlocking yourself is getting to the heart of your deepest fear
What you've said here is important, IHJ. I'm going to say what I'm thinking even though it's the last thing I want to admit right now
There's this funk I've typically gotten into that makes it really difficult for me to feel sexual. I'm feeling it right now, so I'll try to put it into words. It's a generalized feeling that I've done something wrong, and that I'm not right inside because of it. I feel bad, weak, boyish, ashamed, emotionally over-extended.
I'm pretty sure that the reason I feel this way now is that I gave four people their annual performance reviews today, and one of them, a guy who's very confident and headstrong, and who I consider a friend, was less than ecstatic. I've done a fairly good job of compartmentalizing the friend/employee thing, but I think I have this lingering fear that he might be upset with me... and that, along with the stress of having people's lives and wallets in my hands, has sent me into this state. Fortunately I know how to get out of it now, but it's been a busy day so I've just had to keep going.
My point is this. What you say about the key to unlocking yourself is getting to the heart of your deepest fear is true for me. My deepest fear has something to do with shame and abandonment. Learning how to approve of myself, and learning how to reach out to others when I need them, is helping me to disempower these fears. When those fears go away, all sorts of good things happen, which I've mentioned before. I feel confident, masculine, and sexual.
Before the moveout, I was paralyzed by shame, and constantly in the approval-seeking mode. And I was trying to rescue my wife from depression, so I thought. So I could never listen to what was going on inside. I wouldn't admit how I really felt because I was afraid of what it could mean... that the man inside was incapable of pleasing his wife.
The John Wayne reference from last night. Before finding these really good qualities within myself, before I knew how to unlock them by confronting my fears, there were certain parts of my life where I felt like I could not be myself, because I was deficient. Unfortunately, sex was one of them. Not always, granted ... mostly when I felt like I feel now, which was too often. And that is one of the reasons that I would avoid sex. There were too many times when I felt like I was performing. I'm sure this was loads of fun for my wife.
Where was I going with this? Well, I guess I've uncovered what I need to. Need for approval ... fear of rejection ... feelings of shame ... generalized fear of getting into trouble ...... these are things I need to learn to monitor, and to deal with. I also need to learn to let my wife know when I'm in this state, and ask for some time to snap out of it.
OK, I can't stand this feeling anymore. Gotta deal with it.
The question is, is there something that can be done, that works, before this moving away takes place?
And Lil replied:
In some cases, I would say no. Moving out definitely gets the other person's attention.
In my case, my wife had my attention. She'd had my undivided attention for months. I was doing absolutely everything I could, night and day. I wasn't eating or sleeping, I couldn't concentrate at work. I was not in denial, I just didn't know what to do.
Moving out was the only thing that could have worked for me. Not because I needed a wake up call, though. I needed to break out of the dynamic that was going on between the two of us.
It could be, Lou, that if you and your wife are caught in a cycle, you could be the one to stop it. My guess, though, is that since you're a veteran around here you've already done your part. Your wife may be in my boat.
If my wife would have done something to break the cycle, such as detaching, I would have pursued her full force. It wasn't that I felt so weak that I had to have her (though that was true, I didn't realize it). At the time I felt this tremendous burden to fix it. It took reading DR for me to start to understand what I was doing wrong. It took living on my own to get the clarity I needed to change.
I truly wish I wouldn't have had to move out, though. It's heartbreaking.
OK, I've shaken the funk. It wasn't easy, but it's getting easier. The last thing that helped...a conversation with my wife, can you believe it? A good one.
I get the kids from gymnastics on Thursday nights and bring them home with me. She had dropped them off, so I didn't see her last night, but in the phone conversations arranging it she was very peppy. Almost too nice. I was on my way into a funk anyway, so I wondered what was going on.
This morning, S7 said once that he felt like throwing up, but he seemed fine otherwise, so I dropped him and D8 off. My wife just called and said that he had thrown up, but that he wanted to go back to class and the nurse cleared him.
Anyway, my wife was sweet to me on the phone. I was initially wary of where the conversation might go after the other morning, but I remembered what my coach said about her needing to experience a different relationship with me.
Let me break here for a quote. S4 who's sitting next to me watching Rescue Heroes just said "Dad, I want to go to space. I haven't been to space in a while." Heh.
So I relaxed and just talked with her about how the kids are doing in school, then I asked about her night out with her friend last night. It wasn't long, but it was the best talk we've had had for many months. I know that the angry wife could reappear by this afternoon, but it was great for a change to have a completely postive experience with her.
Was there anyone in your family who's anger you feared? Was sarcastic language, or demeaning language part of your childhood?
Absolutely. I lived in constant fear of my father's anger. Not that he was a tyrant... he just got very angry when I or my brothers did something wrong, and I don't think he realized that I was sensitive to it. I also have two significantly older brothers, and a number of older cousins that I grew up close to. My early years (I'm thinking specifically up to age 6) were not really good years for our families, and there was a lot of anger, crazy living situations, a lot of sarcasm, and demeaning language from the kids, not my parents.
In my mind this period of my life, which I've read is most influencial in these types of issues, was a combination of the grandparents' house scenario I mentioned earlier, and this kind of Lord of the Flies environment, where I was at the bottom of a pretty cruel pecking order, and adults were nowhere to be found.
I've talked with my brothers about this recently, and they acknowledged that it was pretty rough for me. So what have I done with this realization? Forgiven myself. Recognized my current fears as childhood holdovers, and that I am not the weak child who couldn't fend for himself then, but a man who is in charge of his own destiny and happiness.
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Just realizing now how my wife had become the present-day reincarnation of my older female cousins, though not to the same extreme. They were harsh, bitter, hateful, lots of rage. Their father had recently abandoned them during this period. My response to her criticism has undoubtedly, I see, been a throwback to then.
This is intense stuff, R. You are getting to the core of things, and it's painful and icky. Congrats on not avoiding, and thanks for sharing here ( Lil, I haven't really detailed my journey; suffice to say I had a verbally abusive mother).
BTW, kids offer the cutest distractions. Your son's space comment reminds me when my son was in kindergarten. He came home one day and told me he went to Babaland at school that day. So I ask, where's Babaland, and he says, " It's the world inside my head," and proceeded to tell me some fantastical story,lol.
Anyway, I maintain that the separation has been a productive thing for you, and you are on your way towards health.
Thanks for the high five, hairdog. Thanks IHJ, Lil, Mojo, Cobra, Lou and everyone who's helped me through the crazy ups and downs of the last couple of weeks.
The deep soul searching and FOO examining has been good, but now that I know what to do with it all (or most of it) I think it's time I found some fun. You guys have a great weekend. I'll be back soon, hopefully with good things to report
Just wondering if you did want to continue with the self-esteem building stuff. No pressure, I just didn't want to post a bunch of stuff if it wasn't welcome or you didn't feel it necessary anymore.
Regards, Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
