The question is, is there something that can be done, that works, before this moving away takes place?
And Lil replied:
In some cases, I would say no. Moving out definitely gets the other person's attention.
In my case, my wife had my attention. She'd had my undivided attention for months. I was doing absolutely everything I could, night and day. I wasn't eating or sleeping, I couldn't concentrate at work. I was not in denial, I just didn't know what to do.
Moving out was the only thing that could have worked for me. Not because I needed a wake up call, though. I needed to break out of the dynamic that was going on between the two of us.
It could be, Lou, that if you and your wife are caught in a cycle, you could be the one to stop it. My guess, though, is that since you're a veteran around here you've already done your part. Your wife may be in my boat.
If my wife would have done something to break the cycle, such as detaching, I would have pursued her full force. It wasn't that I felt so weak that I had to have her (though that was true, I didn't realize it). At the time I felt this tremendous burden to fix it. It took reading DR for me to start to understand what I was doing wrong. It took living on my own to get the clarity I needed to change.
I truly wish I wouldn't have had to move out, though. It's heartbreaking.
