It was hard for me to access my own sexuality. Although it might have helped to be paired with a more confident partner, ultimately I had to dig into my own psyche to free myself up. ...Rigley has a spark from the separation ( interesting how his fear of losing love, when it finally happened, is the very thing that's helping him get in touch with himself). The clue to unlocking yourself is getting to the heart of your deepest fear
What you've said here is important, IHJ. I'm going to say what I'm thinking even though it's the last thing I want to admit right now
There's this funk I've typically gotten into that makes it really difficult for me to feel sexual. I'm feeling it right now, so I'll try to put it into words. It's a generalized feeling that I've done something wrong, and that I'm not right inside because of it. I feel bad, weak, boyish, ashamed, emotionally over-extended.
I'm pretty sure that the reason I feel this way now is that I gave four people their annual performance reviews today, and one of them, a guy who's very confident and headstrong, and who I consider a friend, was less than ecstatic. I've done a fairly good job of compartmentalizing the friend/employee thing, but I think I have this lingering fear that he might be upset with me... and that, along with the stress of having people's lives and wallets in my hands, has sent me into this state. Fortunately I know how to get out of it now, but it's been a busy day so I've just had to keep going.
My point is this. What you say about the key to unlocking yourself is getting to the heart of your deepest fear is true for me. My deepest fear has something to do with shame and abandonment. Learning how to approve of myself, and learning how to reach out to others when I need them, is helping me to disempower these fears. When those fears go away, all sorts of good things happen, which I've mentioned before. I feel confident, masculine, and sexual.
Before the moveout, I was paralyzed by shame, and constantly in the approval-seeking mode. And I was trying to rescue my wife from depression, so I thought. So I could never listen to what was going on inside. I wouldn't admit how I really felt because I was afraid of what it could mean... that the man inside was incapable of pleasing his wife.
The John Wayne reference from last night. Before finding these really good qualities within myself, before I knew how to unlock them by confronting my fears, there were certain parts of my life where I felt like I could not be myself, because I was deficient. Unfortunately, sex was one of them. Not always, granted ... mostly when I felt like I feel now, which was too often. And that is one of the reasons that I would avoid sex. There were too many times when I felt like I was performing. I'm sure this was loads of fun for my wife.
Where was I going with this? Well, I guess I've uncovered what I need to. Need for approval ... fear of rejection ... feelings of shame ... generalized fear of getting into trouble ...... these are things I need to learn to monitor, and to deal with. I also need to learn to let my wife know when I'm in this state, and ask for some time to snap out of it.
OK, I can't stand this feeling anymore. Gotta deal with it.
