Quote: I know my sex drive woke up as a result of having had dominating thoughts, for ex., thinking of myself as trapped and and having no other option but to give in to the sexuality. I think my H's wishy-washy behavior contributed to my own repression.
Can you say more about this? Especially the "having no other option" part. I think it would be helpful to both me and Rigley.
At first I thought, "I'm not like that, I choose things I want when I'm by myself." That's true, but there's another element. I often feel like I'm doing it behind someone's back. Like my selection may be questioned later and I'll have to give account for why,
If someone said "I saw your car at Office Depot" I would think Lou was working. I would have no guilt.
If someone said "I saw your car at Home Depot" I would think Lou was spiffing up the house. I would have no guilt.
If someone said, "I saw your car at Taco Bell" I would think Lou was eating or drinking something that was considered junk food. I would think, "doesn't he know water is better than those soda products they have there."
Why do people feel guilt for doing ordinary things? Things that are considered normal preferences.
I suppose we want to be better/smarter/more perfect than we actually are.
Lil I automatically prepare in my head some justification or defense of it as though someone were going to question me or challenge me, even when I'm alone. Sick puppy. Don't you think that FOO and all the things you read and did influence this Lil?
There is so much news about sodas vs. water it can give a person a cause to feel guilty if you have a couple of diet sodas a day. I have heard the debate for over 50 years.
Of course I have heard men that go to church in short sleeves and women with out a head covering are not doing the right thing and I kind of laugh and wonder.
Lou, I don't usually feel "global guilt" over doing something. My prepared-in-advance defense is most often directed at a specific person, i.e., my partner, my "boss" (when I had a boss), a judgmental friend, etc.
What's the weather like up there today, Lou?
I understand some of that cold blast is headed south this weekend. I brought in some firewood to keep it dry. Heck, it may drop into the lower 40's or something! Brrr...
Of course I have heard men that go to church in short sleeves and women with out a head covering are not doing the right thing and I kind of laugh and wonder.
And coming from my religious background, I've been reassessing what is essential vs. what is preference for the last 20 years. Much of it, I'm learning has to do with common practice. In the South, for instance, swearing is looked down on more than in the North.
Where it really makes a difference, though, is when we are seeking approval based on our decisions and actions. Then it becomes almost a matter of life and death. "If I make the wrong decision, they won't love me."
This is how I've felt about my wife. I think this is the reason that I often feel uneasy in making choices for myself. To me, it's a matter of whether someone's going to withhold essential things that I need because of it.
The truth is, no one who matters is going to reject me because of such insignificant things. The people that matter like me for who I am, not what I eat or watch on TV. Even my wife, who CONSTANTLY evaluated every little decision I made, and DID often reject me ostensibly because I didn't choose the fun thing or the cool thing or the "right" thing, was really doing so because HER needs weren't being met.
"global guilt" Lil, I think I have lots of FOO issues and some religious based issues from being friends with and exposed to some nice people with different beliefs.
Weather??? Yesterday it was 54f/12.2c. Really nice. Today it is below 0f/-18.7c. Tonight it will be -10f/-23.3c.
The good part is it snowed a little (below a certain temperature snow is an insulator) and there is no wind.
, it may drop into the lower 40's or something! Brrr... I hate to say it but you guys are sissies
+40f/4.4c and complaining???? I guess it is what you get used to.
Right now I have on regular fruit-of -the-loom brand under shorts and shirt, jeans, a work shirt mechanics wear and a Lee brand "hooded sweat shirt" cotton socks and SAS walking shoes. I shoveled the driveway and had on leather work/garden gloves. That is all I wore to do the driveway. Yes I was cold towards the end of shoveling, but it isn't really that bad outside. No wind made the difference.
Just teasing you about being a sissy Lil. I think you can take a little well intentioned ribbing.
I lived if Florida in the 50's and early 60's. The locals almost panicked when it frosted. My sister lives in Orlando and is upset when it gets below 50f/10c.
Well stay warm Lil. I will bump up the thermostat to 66f/18.8c before I send this message to all of my SSM friends so you and they won't feel the cold MT weather.
Even my wife, who CONSTANTLY evaluated every little decision I made BTDT. I suppose like you, if I am wrong, I hear about what we missed out on by choosing "A" over "B". If I choose "B" I hear what we missed by not choosing "A". Most of the time it isn't in a critical or blaming way, but after so long even comments that were not meant to be complaints, sound like personal digs.
Rigley, I assume some of this is happening in your M. I just wanted to point it out and say not everything your W seems to complain about is a valid complaint or even a complaint so getting to the point Lil was talking about, saying "Oh" in a neutral tone of voice is helpful.
"If I make the wrong decision, they won't love me." Won't love me? or in my case sometimes, I missed something I should have seen, or making the wrong ( in my way of thinking making a fair choice when I wanted a better outcome) choice, shows that I don't have all the answers and maybe I am not as smart as I want to be or want to think I am. ( English )
Lil, The point I was trying to make is that the difficulty in making choices ( whether it's because you're afraid to be judged, afraid to be seen as wrong or bad, afraid to have love withdrawn, etc.) includes the choice to be sexual. It was hard for me to access my own sexuality. Although it might have helped to be paired with a more confident partner, ultimately I had to dig into my own psyche to free myself up. Luckily I had a spark in the form of erotic books; Rigley has a spark from the separation ( interesting how his fear of losing love, when it finally happened, is the very thing that's helping him get in touch with himself). The clue to unlocking yourself is getting to the heart of your deepest fear.
( interesting how his fear of losing love, when it finally happened, is the very thing that's helping him get in touch with himself). I think that might happen to my W if I left, but maybe not.
The question is, is there something that can be done, that works, before this moving away takes place?
Quote: The question is, is there something that can be done, that works, before this moving away takes place?
In some cases, I would say no. Moving out definitely gets the other person's attention.
BTW I was just yanking your chain about the weather. We're not wimps down here, we're just too smart to live where we have to shovel snow.
IHJ, thanks for those thoughts... have you ever gone in to instructive detail about how facing your deepest fears enabled you to get in touch with your sexuality. You may have a while ago, and I've forgotten or couldn't hear you at that point. If you'd care to elaborate on a thread of your own, I'd be interested, and it might shed some light for Rig on what his W is going through.
BTW I was just yanking your chain about the weather. We're not wimps down here, we're just too smart to live where we have to shovel snow. That one made me laugh Lil. You could be right.
Lil, the way I look at it, I am too far north and where you live is too far south. A person gets to choose too much heat in the summer time in your location or cool nights in my location.
and I kind of laugh and wonder.
you guys are sissies 
