I shall go check out what JJ has to say about going dark. And I'm glad someone posted links to your story. I've enjoyed and learned tons from reading Andy's entire story and watching as things developed. That's the primary reason why I'm not posting a whole lot. I'm spending most of my time here reading other's stories (as far as their links to their past threads will allow) in the hopes of learning from their insights and looking at their map of this rollercoaster path.
Thanks for listening. From what I've seen on these boards, you have truly become the Phoenix. I'm still in training! Thank you for guiding me and others along this path.
Phoenix in training: Reading your post i can feel how strong and admirable are you... I want to say you are doing great... and yes, focus on you and detach... and remember not to be over react and to maintain independent and distray when he may come looking you after that detach...!!... This MLC men really doesnt act, but react... and when they feel so sure about us, they beguin playing with their minds and us...!!... Although my h is at home, it havent beeen easy at all... this is a long way and we just try to keep ficusion on us, trying to get the better things from all this crisis for us...!! (excuse my english, im spanish).... Good luck with that volunteer work and enjoy it a lot...!...
I did an equivilant of the ol 'hug and run'. I called up my husband at his work. He said he'd just been thinking that he needed to call me. (Drat...if only I'd been able to hold out!)
I told him that I didn't have much time to talk as I was about to go out with my family to do some fun stuff. He asked what we were going to do and I remained evasive.
He excitedly told me about the little cat shack he had made for our cat.
We spoke for about 2 minutes. He DIDN'T ask why I was calling this time.
And then I said, "Can I call you later? I've gotta go."
He sounded disapointed.
I left him wanting more.
I did invite him for thanksgiving with my family. He's going to have to borrow someone's car, but he said he'd try to come.
I broke down. I know that part of DBing is stating what we want. Well, I did it in spades.
I called my husband yesterday and asked about Thanksgiving. He said he wouldn't make it. After more talk, the conversation ended with me crying and him sounding concerned.
I called him later that night. We had a long healthy conversation that consisted of more crying on my part and lots of calm talking on both our parts. And him really listening to me.
I told him that I wasn't trying to give him an ultimatum, but that after 6 months of separation and getting my life on track, I was reaching the end of my emotional rope. That I wasn't going to be able to continue in this fashion much longer.
I was worried that he'd think I was talking about doing something stupid, but he understood what I meant.
I explained while my life is really full, that I still think about him everyday. That this is like constant torture for me.
He said he had no idea. That he thought I had just put our relationship on the back burner.
He really listened to me. I told him that the alternative is divorce. He quietly said that that's a big step. I said, so is being separated for 6 months.
I don't think he'd thought that far ahead.
I told him about Divorce Busting. That book has plenty to keep him busy, if he does read it.
I didn't tell him about the BBoard. Don't want to give away all my resources!
I told him that I wanted him to move to my town and get a job and for us to start living together again.
He was very surprised that I'd be willing to move in with him. I told him I would, in a heartbeat. Afterall, we ARE married. He chuckled.
And he said today that he'd get online and start looking for a job in my town.
I'm an emotional wreck today.
But I know I did the right thing.
He now understands how I'm feeling. He's made the choice to move here. He really listened to me.
And while I'm exhausted right now..I suspect after a good nights sleep and seeing some effort on his part, that I'll get a second wind.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: I called my husband... the conversation ended with me crying and him sounding concerned.
We had a long healthy conversation that consisted of more crying on my part...
I explained while my life is really full, that I still think about him everyday. That this is like constant torture for me.
Heard someone was looking for me ? Well, akthough the rest of your post seems good, and it seems like you are heading in the right direction, let me play Devil's Advocate for a while please.
Your calls, your crying, your asking (yes, I told you to ask for what you wanted...but I NEVER meant to go over board ) may have pressured him into agreeing with you on many points. I.E.: Moving to your town, looking for a job there, moving in with you. It sounds good (hell, it may very well be!!! ) but beware. In my experience, they tend to say, even do, things and later on backtrack at a hundred miles an hour. So be patient...and PLEASE dont get your expectations to far up. Prepare yourself for the possibility that all this may not happen. It will hurt if it doesn't, but if you half expect it to, it wont be devestating.
On the other hand...it may all happen as planned...in which case I will EAT MY WORDS!
Hey sweetie. Sounds great. You know, people will say the rights and wrongs of DB all they want but the bottom line is doing more of what works and less of what doesn't. I think the distinction here is this isn't a regularly scheduled cyclictic event. This is how all my big transitional moments have happened and I'd hazard a guess that's how quite a few progress.
Just some words from my experience. Feel free to take or leave whatever.
First (you already know this) - don't get all hung up on this cause most likely things won't fly back together happy happy like that. It usually takes more time and work - tho stranger things have happened.
Even if your guy doesn't read any of Michele's books, you can still work with him by example the basic concepts. IGgy (my h) has really managed to incorporate the general idea into his life and will even use some of the lingo occasionally.
Example - IGgy had a habit of using a phrase that just really cut me. I told him that every time he said it I was gonna kiss him. A good one too. He said "you're gonna kiss me for doing something you hate". Yep. And you wouldn't believe how fast it worked...and he hasn't really said it since.
You're doing great girl. Good luck on the continued success.
Play Devil's advocate all you want...just don't turn into Keanu Reeves!
My crying. Yes, I'm concerned that in the long run that will backfire on me.
I'm afraid that you are right and I'll end up back in this spot in another year, hearing him say, "Well, you called me up all crying asking me to move to athens, I did it for you, not for me." Oy.
I'm not quite sure what to think about it, except that I NEEDED to cry this out with him hearing how hurt I was. This is sort of a 180 from the past few months. I have tried to make sure to always be upbeat and perky when talking to him on the phone. I will admit that I cried on our date...but he started it!! He cried first!!
I've been thinking things over and I guess I should point to the positive signs that I had along the way that allowed me to have this outburst without completely fearing that he'd shut down.
The past few months when I'd get upset or sad, he would respond very quickly by calling me back whether I been upset on the phone or in an email. He'd comfort me.
He told me that he loved me.
He did say that he wanted to work on our marriage, but he wanted to get a job first.
He confessed his fear of having things return to the old way.
He said that he would be back with me in a heartbeat if he could figure out how to turn the bad into good.
So, I had all these little things to subconciously tell me that it might be ok to tell him how I was feeling.
However, I really was at the point where if he did respond badly, that I wouldn't be able to continue my efforts. So, in that sense, I felt that he had the right to know that I was getting to the 'point of no return.'
I'm still in training! 
Thank you for guiding me and others along this path.
Remember, if your action will NOT bring you closer to your goal, dont do it!
