You could probably chart my emotions today by my posts. Yep, they've been all over the place. I'm thinking clearer now, though, so I thought I'd take a minute to do my own little post mortem about our phone call this morning.
When she made accusations, and said what she was mad about, I should have done nothing, other than listen, validate her anger, or stop the conversation. I should not have engaged her, tried to prove her wrong, stood up for myself, etc.
Why? Because it's not effective. There are times to give her information about me, like what I'm learning, etc. That time is NOT when she's trying to engage me in an argument.
She did push a couple of my buttons, besides the jealousy one. There's the sex button ("you wouldn't have sex with me"), the friend button ("you're trying to be the good guy to our friends"), the caretaker button ("my life is miserable because of this"), and the approval button ("this isn't making me like you anymore"). That about covers all of them. Only one she didn't pull out today was the Big D button, but that's only because it was understood.
I am dumbfounded that I didn't see it coming. It was the jealousy, I guess. One thing I know now that I didn't before, however, is that after something seemingly goes well between us, like I thought it did Sunday, I should expect a backlash, as her stand is challenged.
OK, now for the good.
"Poor Me" is dead. I haven't seen him in quite awhile, and he was nowhere around during this conversation, which was otherwise fairly unrestrained.
"The Manipulator" is missing in action. I didn't say anything today just because I thought it was what she wanted to hear, and didn't do any backtracking. I'm pretty sure this guy is still closeby in a bunker, though, so I'll keep an eye out.
Last thing. My response to the proposition thing was wonderfully messy and over-the-top. I'm sure that my rage blinded me to the attack that was coming. But it gave me an incredible amount of confidence. The reason is that it was spontaneous and fearless. I still have to deal with the negative thoughts that are like "If you do win her back, you're still not going to be the man she needs." What happened to me today was proof that the changes in me, the confidence, sense of masculinity, personal power, are real and internal. I don't have to worry about trying to constantly put on this John Wayne mask. Rigley's man enough.
I've been struggling with this my whole life. What a gift from God.
