Notes from my coaching session today. Yep, I'm going into debt, but I don't really need a big screen TV.
If she saw something good in me Sunday night, that screwed things up for her, because she'd already made her decision
Challenges should be expected as a result, some of which I saw today.
Don't get defensive
I'm going to have to let her beat up on me. If she blames me unfairly, maybe come back with something like "Yeah, if I felt like that was happening to me I'd be upset too." This is a tough one.
The key to winning her back is to let her experience a different relationship with me
My goal should not be to get her into counseling, or to read anything. These are "cost side" things. I should focus on the value side. A better goal would be that she feels that relating to me is rewarding...something she wants more of.
Once she's embraced the value, she will start to ask cost questions. I said that I thought her repeatedly bringing up the sex issue was an indication that she's considering that as a cost. He asked how she would expect me to respond if she brought it up again, and I said "either with silence or with something pitiful"
He asked me to try a response. This is what I said:
"I know. Not taking the viagra was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and I guarantee you I would never let that happen again. I will never let my hangups get in the way of showing my wife how I feel, or trying to meet her needs."
He liked that it was genuine, and showed ownership, but said that the promise part of it seemed like pursuing.
He suggested sincere, but more playful, no promises.
At some point, he said, I'll need to have a discussion with her about the sex thing, because it will be a cost that she has to consider. I'll need to talk about the goal of sex being for both people to have a mutually satisfying experience, and that it's a goal. There's no lightswitch, it's something that two people who see its value pursue together.
He said I would need to be confident, neither too brief or verbose. He also said he doesn't think we're ready for this conversation yet. Not until she's convinced of the value of a relationship with me.
