Here's the mess. After operating in this pattern for a while, my wife has stepped in to take the lead. She resents the fact that she's having to do that, and my previous wishy-washy attempts to step back in were met with resistance. She would want me to lead AND she would want her way too. So when I move back into this position, there will be a transition period where I either give in, and let us stay in this disfunctional pattern, or detach myself from her responses, and continue to do what I think is right.
I think there is more to this dynamic than simply leading a woman. Leading is done for a purpose. It soothes and underlying fear. Some women have different fears and may need different actions from a man, other than leading. I really think you need to have a solid understanding of your FOO and how that is affecting you two. “The Narcissistic Family” does a good job of explaining your background and helps put the ideas of Dieda into proper perspective.
In the above example, your wife’s need to be lead is really a surface need. Deeper down the both of you are still following old ritual from your upbringing. In a narcissistic family, children learn that the only way to get their needs met is to fight for them. The parents set the example that their needs come first and the children come last because the parents are stronger and can force that upon the kids. Everyone is bickering with one another to be heard and validated.
Because of this continual ongoing struggle for power (and therefore attention and compassion from other family members), everyone comes to realize that the only way for there to be peace is to meet the needs of the others. If mom or dad does not get his/her needs met, then all hell breaks loose. Peace only comes by worrying about how someone else feels, not how YOU feel.
Back to your example, your wife gets upset with you because she does not think you are considering HER and therefore you are not trying to promote peace. She feels that by doing for you, she is promoting peace. She is thinking of you, just as she had to think of her parents when she was young.
Differentiation teaches us to completely reverse this way of thinking. We should NOT hold others accountable for how we feel, only ourselves. This is the only way to break the warring cycle that I have described.
The danger to relationships like yours and mine is that both people need to understand that there is a change in validation occurring. As you differentiate and stop taking responsibility for your wife’s feelings, she will become increasing angry with you. In some relationships where things have seriously deteriorated and that anger level is very high (like with many MLCers), I have suggested that people re-enmesh just to get back to the old comfort zones and get some type of soothing. Once the anger settles, that backward step on the path toward differentiation can be SLOWLY reversed.
I hope all of this is pulling things into perspective for you (and others on this board). IMO, it really is very important so that you know exactly what you are dealing with and can avoid serious mistakes and further damage.
