I agree that many women just want the man to lead, at least who aren't busy trying to be the man... A long time ago a friend of mine told me that everytime I was given a compliment, I would minimize it, make excuses for why something I was wearing was just something I threw on, etc. He told me that all I need to say was "Thank you" and leave it at that.
Since then, I have noticed many times that both my parents, especially my mother, do the exact same thing. Partly in their defense, it comes from the Japanese ideal of humility, but it also comes from poor self image and a lack of confidence.
When younger, I too wanted to please others and wanted to be sure everything was ok, that I was being the perfect gentleman, etc. What I was really looking for was confirmation that they wanted to be with me. Only over the past year or so have I learned that this is enmeshment and that differentiation means I can have my opinion, the woman can have hers, and it can simply end right there. If my wife asks me what I want to eat, I say what I want. If she doesn’t like the answer, that is her issue. She can make her own suggestion.
The idea that she will build up resentment if I repeatedly give her answers she doesn’t like is me falling back into enmeshment, because of a need to be accepted. She is choosing to not like my answers, so it is her responsibility to deal with that feeling, not my responsibility to see she doesn’t feel it in the first place. SWIM?
So the concept that Dieda puts forth to lead women is really one of simple differentiation. For me, the value of his book is that he makes a distinction between those things that are truly important for a man and those things that are truly important for a woman. I think the harmony that can come to a relationship is because of 1) the two sets of male/female values are clearly identified and segregated, 2) those values allow everything else fall into place through differentiation and the self confidence which comes from the knowledge of these two sets of values (i.e., knowing if she REALLY wants you to do something or not), and 3) the willingness to accept the preferences and wishes of another (which ties back to self confidence and letting go of feelings of abandonment).
I want to add to that last point… I have suggested things to my wife when asked, and she will come back and tell me that I don’t really want that choice because I picked something different in the past. Even though my different opinion my be due to evolving tastes on my part, I think she might be hearing that I am not really interested or engaged with her, and I am simply giving answers to placate her. That is her insecurity talking, but Dieda says that relationship is the primary purpose for a woman, so the level of my emotional engagement with her really is important.
So Balto, when you tell your wife to wear the red dress, she hears that you are emotionally engaged with her, that you are thinking about her, and that is HER primary purpose. So I do not think your comment is sexist, rather I think it is empathic. It is the confused, backassward, self-defeating nazifeminist movement that has caused us men to think that our natural urge to share with our woman is sexist!
