Ok Rig, here's another fantasy of mine for you:

You sit your wife down in neutral territory (not her house, not yours) and turn off the cell phones. You begin by saying that you agree with her that your marriage is not all it could be and not all that you want it to be. And that you do not want to live the rest of your life in this tug of war. You believe that if you two can't make a go of it together, then there are other men and women out there who would make good partners, and neither one of you is getting any younger.

BUT--

YOU are not ready to give up on this marriage YET. Yes, you fukced up in the past; you will grant her that. But you do NOT want to keep hearing about it. It's time to move on to the solution phase of this situation. Tick tock.

You have identified as one of your main issues as a couple that each of you needs lots of validation from the other. (This may not be the most important issue, but it's a place to start and it is the place you-- Rigley-- have started.) Cite examples of restaurant selection, etc., up to and including this D talk. Neither one of you wants to make the other mad or even have the other be upset. Thus you are stuck on a hamster wheel, hiding your feelings and being resentful because you are hiding your feelings.

You pull out the differentiation stuff and read it to her or sit there while she reads it. You say, "This is how I want us to operate: as two individuals who are deeply in love with each other, but who have different opinions, ideas, who can disagree, but who still have respect for each other and who want to be together as they walk life's path. (Or something like that.)

You say: If you will promise to work with me for the next six months (or a year, if you think that will fly) on having a grown-up, man-woman, no-more-mr-nice-guy-miss-nice-gal relationship based on honesty and mutual respect and IF THAT does not make either of us happier with this marriage, I promise that I will not stand in the way of a divorce at the end of the six months (or year). You will still have to get the lawyer and file, but I will not put up a fight. I will free you-- and me-- to find happiness with someone else.

But during those six months (or year) I intend to do everything I can to be a man I can be proud of, that you can be proud to be with, that you can look forward to being with, who is growing, and who is not afraid of your reactions to me. I will not throw this marriage away without a fight, and I want you to fight along side of me, not across the table from me. It's time BOTH of us grew up and created for ourselves the life we want-- together preferably, but apart if that's the way it must be.


Then sit down and don't say another word until she says something non-whiny in response to that.


I enjoy my fantasies about you... Maybe they're really fantasies about me...